i'm changing, that's the point i'm making

Hormones are intense at this point. I had to do field work in the woods (7 months pregnant) for most of the past week, and the muscle fatigue, blisters, and poison ivy on my feet have coupled with the thesis work I have that's due tomorrow (and hardly close to finished) to facilitate the beginnings of a breakdown. I got home last night at midnight. My husband left at noon for work, I'm left with the five year old son. I have things to do that I can't do because I'm writing a blog post for the brief window that he doesn't want my attention. I don't mind nurturing him, but all of it and my pained, stretched ligaments and back makes me want to cry and cry. He came in the bedroom while I was crying and hugged me. I told him mommies sometimes cry more when they have babies in their tummies just because they are happy. I asked what he needed. He said "Nothing, you just need a hug." Sweet boy.

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes and wished for late last summer. I thought I'd close my eyes and be back on Hickory Street for a few days. But that's not the road I've chosen, and that's okay. My hormones are just overwhelming me with messages. I love my family and the life I have, I just have to learn to make it work without going crazy.

So I got up and went to the computer and looked at a few blogs. I read comments on my old posts and looked at pictures and read old notes I'd been given in Texas or sent from Colorado. I looked at pictures and knew that this is continuous, my having a baby and family doesn't end any of my old important friendships regardless of how much it seems to "tie me down". If my thesis proposal isn't finished tomorrow and my advisor yells at me and my house is still dirty and everything is still trying to overwhelm me, it's fine. And everyone will converge soon. It's okay. You were right, I couldn't see it then. Thank Goddess. The CFS fucking rules.