After a long heart-to-heart with the person who hurt me, I feel a lot better. No one is beyond redemption. It seems those who seem the most selfish and apathetic are also the most lost and in need of care.
Much better. Also, I can still do Calculus. I am le pimp. I woke up this morning meowing in the most chipper fashion. Today is the day to talk to me. I am in the best fucking mood ever.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Stay. Away. From. Me.
I don't even know why I ever trusted this person. All they've ever done is use me and hurt me and make me feel like crap. And in return, all I've ever done is try to show love and concern, sometimes tough love, but love nonetheless.
I don't know why I have ever tried to help this person. Any "love" they reciprocated was certainly not actually love, they say, but some misguided attempt to make me feel better by leading me on for a while. What the hell is that? Then they go and tell people things that are completely confidential (or so I thought!), wholly upsetting, and totally wrenching for me to have to deal with again. FOR ME to have to deal with, because let me mention, they didn't deal with them at all. They may think they have, may tell people they did, but they WERE NOT THERE and never were. They weren't there, they didn't really care to be there, but they really should have been there. It was the most painful thing, physically and emotionally, that ever happened to me in life. Ever. And I went through it totally alone.
The worst part about it is, they feel nothing. I think I'm dealing with a real clinical sociopath. They say "oh, I feel bad" but you don't see any kind of emotion or hear it in their voice. They don't feel bad. They only feel bad because it is socially acceptable for them to say that after hurting someone, and it isn't socially acceptable to say "You know, I don't really care. Screw you." They hang around with people just for kicks, not to have some real connection to them. I dare you to try connecting to this person. It's like hitting a brick wall. Unless, of course, you've got something they want. Then they'll love you a lot. Until they have it. Then you're nothing again.
Toxic vibes. He has toxic, toxic vibes. Maybe that's why I'm never at ease around him.
His soul seems to be about as well made as his physical body which, I told him, was "manufactured and assembled by little eight year olds in China. And the instructions were in Russian. And the Chinese kids didn't have any thumbs." Maybe he's a living, breathing Grinch.
I understand that communication is helpful, but some people are wanting to MAKE me talk to them about something I don't want to talk with them over. I can talk about it, but it is not your business, and I don't want to make it your business. It's the business of the piece of shit bloodsucking sociopath. Obviously, he's not talkin', but it is not something I just love to gab about. You talk about the worst thing that's ever happened to you with someone whom you feel totally uncomfortable talking about it with. Go ahead. You'll love it.
This is getting ridiculous. Everybody fuck off.
I don't know why I have ever tried to help this person. Any "love" they reciprocated was certainly not actually love, they say, but some misguided attempt to make me feel better by leading me on for a while. What the hell is that? Then they go and tell people things that are completely confidential (or so I thought!), wholly upsetting, and totally wrenching for me to have to deal with again. FOR ME to have to deal with, because let me mention, they didn't deal with them at all. They may think they have, may tell people they did, but they WERE NOT THERE and never were. They weren't there, they didn't really care to be there, but they really should have been there. It was the most painful thing, physically and emotionally, that ever happened to me in life. Ever. And I went through it totally alone.
The worst part about it is, they feel nothing. I think I'm dealing with a real clinical sociopath. They say "oh, I feel bad" but you don't see any kind of emotion or hear it in their voice. They don't feel bad. They only feel bad because it is socially acceptable for them to say that after hurting someone, and it isn't socially acceptable to say "You know, I don't really care. Screw you." They hang around with people just for kicks, not to have some real connection to them. I dare you to try connecting to this person. It's like hitting a brick wall. Unless, of course, you've got something they want. Then they'll love you a lot. Until they have it. Then you're nothing again.
Toxic vibes. He has toxic, toxic vibes. Maybe that's why I'm never at ease around him.
His soul seems to be about as well made as his physical body which, I told him, was "manufactured and assembled by little eight year olds in China. And the instructions were in Russian. And the Chinese kids didn't have any thumbs." Maybe he's a living, breathing Grinch.
I understand that communication is helpful, but some people are wanting to MAKE me talk to them about something I don't want to talk with them over. I can talk about it, but it is not your business, and I don't want to make it your business. It's the business of the piece of shit bloodsucking sociopath. Obviously, he's not talkin', but it is not something I just love to gab about. You talk about the worst thing that's ever happened to you with someone whom you feel totally uncomfortable talking about it with. Go ahead. You'll love it.
This is getting ridiculous. Everybody fuck off.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Enough with the baby dreams, already!
Let me just say this: I am not pregnant!
However, my brain seems to be. Or wants me to be. Or what have you.
I NEVER DREAM. I still had sleep disturbances as usual, but somehow I had a dream. And I remembered it! My memory was jogged this morning. I had gotten some breakfast for Jameson, and I had been up at school and didn't want to exclude Jon the Little Brother, so he was there. He was wearing a Star Wars-themed shirt from his high school chess team. Then I remembered!
My dream was in the Star Wars universe. Holy yeesh. I was pregnant and had a daughter in this dream. We were somehow in the Star Wars story. I wasn't really a particular character, but I knew Luke Skywalker and I HATED Hans Solo. I could dissociate, though; I KNEW I was in Star Wars, and it totally tripped me out. I even joked "heh, if this kid were a boy I could have named him Anakin Skywalker" (even though the father wasn't Luke Skywalker, that I could gather). Luke was very protective of my daughter, and Luke had a teenaged son who also looked after her. We were all very close.
The only action I remember about the dream (rather than just inherent knowledge of the situation, as above) was that Luke went off to fight the Empire and his son stayed with me and my daughter. Oh! And I was carrying her around thinking "I MAKE baby slings...why the heck don't I have one? I should go home and make one right away!"
I know when one dreams about snakes it signals change...what the hell do dream babies mean!?
Damn you, hormones. Damn you.
However, my brain seems to be. Or wants me to be. Or what have you.
I NEVER DREAM. I still had sleep disturbances as usual, but somehow I had a dream. And I remembered it! My memory was jogged this morning. I had gotten some breakfast for Jameson, and I had been up at school and didn't want to exclude Jon the Little Brother, so he was there. He was wearing a Star Wars-themed shirt from his high school chess team. Then I remembered!
My dream was in the Star Wars universe. Holy yeesh. I was pregnant and had a daughter in this dream. We were somehow in the Star Wars story. I wasn't really a particular character, but I knew Luke Skywalker and I HATED Hans Solo. I could dissociate, though; I KNEW I was in Star Wars, and it totally tripped me out. I even joked "heh, if this kid were a boy I could have named him Anakin Skywalker" (even though the father wasn't Luke Skywalker, that I could gather). Luke was very protective of my daughter, and Luke had a teenaged son who also looked after her. We were all very close.
The only action I remember about the dream (rather than just inherent knowledge of the situation, as above) was that Luke went off to fight the Empire and his son stayed with me and my daughter. Oh! And I was carrying her around thinking "I MAKE baby slings...why the heck don't I have one? I should go home and make one right away!"
I know when one dreams about snakes it signals change...what the hell do dream babies mean!?
Damn you, hormones. Damn you.
Friday, August 21, 2009
In the Womb
Last night I had a very vivid dream, which is the only kind of dream I ever remember. I never sleep through the night, either; I have frequent sleep disturbances. Neither do I sleep well. Sleep just does not like me, and I rarely dream. I think it's because my body knows if I sleep too deeply the fairies will really carry me off.
My dream started with me looking at my stomach. I was in a house with a male. But the male was like a three-in-one. It was my brother Jake, my brother Taylor, and Robert. Their energies are all somewhat similar (especially Jake and Tay, they're pretty laid back, Taylor is just more open), so it was like they were just the same person whose shape and personality would change. They were all manifesting from this one source at different points.
So I was sitting on this couch with this guy looking at my tummy. At that point the guy was my brother Jake. Jacob gets up, and I remark that I would like, very much, to have a baby. I hear Taylor "Well, then, you're going to have one" and suddenly I feel something in my tummy and it starts to grow. Rapidly. Not huge, just like I'm poking my tummy out. I realize there's a baby in there. And he's moving. He's moving a lot! The tummy grows more, and I start to look very pregnant. And I float back into my mind and in my mind the baby and I are very connected and I'm holding the baby on some astral plane and he's smiling and is fully present in that astral plane even though he is aware his body is in my womb. It was very beautiful and eerie. We could read each others' thoughts. I come back, and he's still just kicking around in there. It was an odd feeling, to say the least, but simultaneously very comforting. I liked the feeling. I noticed that I could bring my tummy back to where it is now, but I didn't want to hurt the baby by restricting its space, so I just let it be.
Then, I was sitting on this couch, and Robert was there. He rubbed my stomach, but I was kind of annoyed by it. I was basically just humoring him and letting him touch my tummy, but I didn't really want him to, because he was being all weird about it and not just jiving with the flow. Then Tay was sitting in a chair across from us, and telling me just to chill and everything would be fine.
And that was the end of the dream.
My dream started with me looking at my stomach. I was in a house with a male. But the male was like a three-in-one. It was my brother Jake, my brother Taylor, and Robert. Their energies are all somewhat similar (especially Jake and Tay, they're pretty laid back, Taylor is just more open), so it was like they were just the same person whose shape and personality would change. They were all manifesting from this one source at different points.
So I was sitting on this couch with this guy looking at my tummy. At that point the guy was my brother Jake. Jacob gets up, and I remark that I would like, very much, to have a baby. I hear Taylor "Well, then, you're going to have one" and suddenly I feel something in my tummy and it starts to grow. Rapidly. Not huge, just like I'm poking my tummy out. I realize there's a baby in there. And he's moving. He's moving a lot! The tummy grows more, and I start to look very pregnant. And I float back into my mind and in my mind the baby and I are very connected and I'm holding the baby on some astral plane and he's smiling and is fully present in that astral plane even though he is aware his body is in my womb. It was very beautiful and eerie. We could read each others' thoughts. I come back, and he's still just kicking around in there. It was an odd feeling, to say the least, but simultaneously very comforting. I liked the feeling. I noticed that I could bring my tummy back to where it is now, but I didn't want to hurt the baby by restricting its space, so I just let it be.
Then, I was sitting on this couch, and Robert was there. He rubbed my stomach, but I was kind of annoyed by it. I was basically just humoring him and letting him touch my tummy, but I didn't really want him to, because he was being all weird about it and not just jiving with the flow. Then Tay was sitting in a chair across from us, and telling me just to chill and everything would be fine.
And that was the end of the dream.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Anamcharas
I was reading another friend's blog, and it occurred to me, as it has occurred to me before, how I feel I've known people in past lives. Everytime I see this friend, my brain doesn't recognize my acquaintance. It recognizes him just as much as my current blood brothers. My brain sends signals to my body that recognize: "sibling!" (I can't tell very well whether brother or sister) So I thought I'd write about my past friends and family, how I see it now. Maybe, as it all develops, I'll get a clearer picture and some of this will be a little off when I look back. But it's getting there. Slowly, the picture is developing.
I had a mother-figure, though I think she was really my older sister. Our mother was so busy that she pretty much raised me. In the past, she was crone-like, even at a young age. Not that she looked old, she was just very full of wisdom. She had to work really hard all the time, but had more time to be with me than our mother. She was very strong in personality, but gentle. She tried to teach me things I wasn't ready to learn. We lived in a very rural area, a village maybe, but everyone was very close and we had many friends.
In this time, she is a friend of mine who is ten years older than I. We met at a festival, and didn't talk too terribly much for the first year or so (in which we saw each other two or three times). Then, finally, one day I stopped to talk with her and she said "I feel a very strong connection to you" (which is what I had been thinking since I met her). She is still teaching me things, but I'm more ready to learn them in this life, though the lessons are sinking in just slowly, like a percolator. I'm more eager to learn, though, too. That helps. She is like my mother, sister, and my friend, and I realized why about a year ago. She's my older sister.
I had a twin. Either a twin or a VERY close sibling. I feel like we were twin sisters, maybe. That soul was much older than mine, though, and she could learn what our sister taught much easier than I. We loved each other so dearly, and we had an intimate psychic connection. But she left for some reason and I was heartbroken. I don't remember where she went, but her soul got more and more refined from the journey.
In this life she is a he. I felt great anticipation about meeting him; it was a reunion. I wanted to cry when I saw him for the first time on a stage. I wanted to touch touch touch him. Not sexually, not romantically, I had just missed his soul so much and needed to be around it. I kissed him fervently, he was my sister but brother now, and his soul had grown more beautiful and he won't need to be here for too many more lifetimes once he gets through frustration. I felt so connected to him that it was scary. I often felt connected to him when he was far away, maybe he didn't feel it. Who knows? But I got a very strong flash of our previous connection just weeks ago. It was a Friday, and I was supposed to go visit him and some other souls on Sunday. Friday morning, all was well, I was still planning to leave Sunday, but sometime that afternoon my brows suddenly furrowed and my stomach churned. My eyes closed a little. I was in my kitchen. Something bad was happening. I needed to go. Sure enough, it was time to go.
I'll write more later. But those are my siblings.
I had a mother-figure, though I think she was really my older sister. Our mother was so busy that she pretty much raised me. In the past, she was crone-like, even at a young age. Not that she looked old, she was just very full of wisdom. She had to work really hard all the time, but had more time to be with me than our mother. She was very strong in personality, but gentle. She tried to teach me things I wasn't ready to learn. We lived in a very rural area, a village maybe, but everyone was very close and we had many friends.
In this time, she is a friend of mine who is ten years older than I. We met at a festival, and didn't talk too terribly much for the first year or so (in which we saw each other two or three times). Then, finally, one day I stopped to talk with her and she said "I feel a very strong connection to you" (which is what I had been thinking since I met her). She is still teaching me things, but I'm more ready to learn them in this life, though the lessons are sinking in just slowly, like a percolator. I'm more eager to learn, though, too. That helps. She is like my mother, sister, and my friend, and I realized why about a year ago. She's my older sister.
I had a twin. Either a twin or a VERY close sibling. I feel like we were twin sisters, maybe. That soul was much older than mine, though, and she could learn what our sister taught much easier than I. We loved each other so dearly, and we had an intimate psychic connection. But she left for some reason and I was heartbroken. I don't remember where she went, but her soul got more and more refined from the journey.
In this life she is a he. I felt great anticipation about meeting him; it was a reunion. I wanted to cry when I saw him for the first time on a stage. I wanted to touch touch touch him. Not sexually, not romantically, I had just missed his soul so much and needed to be around it. I kissed him fervently, he was my sister but brother now, and his soul had grown more beautiful and he won't need to be here for too many more lifetimes once he gets through frustration. I felt so connected to him that it was scary. I often felt connected to him when he was far away, maybe he didn't feel it. Who knows? But I got a very strong flash of our previous connection just weeks ago. It was a Friday, and I was supposed to go visit him and some other souls on Sunday. Friday morning, all was well, I was still planning to leave Sunday, but sometime that afternoon my brows suddenly furrowed and my stomach churned. My eyes closed a little. I was in my kitchen. Something bad was happening. I needed to go. Sure enough, it was time to go.
I'll write more later. But those are my siblings.
Friday, August 14, 2009
A scenario for the revolution
Love with abandon. Love with complete, total trust and forget inhibitions. Love like you've never been hurt. Love like there's no way you could possibly be hurt. Love like there is no past and the future is everliving. Love like this is IT. Because THIS IS IT. This is all you've got!
Ram Das said: "I'm going to die! Dig that! I'm going to live! Dig that!" Good and bad things are going to happen, the only pain reliever, the only thing to make the highs higher is to love as one having an ecstatic, spiritual experience. Love like you're watching your bride walk toward you (even if you're female). Love with such delight that you rival the three-year-old giggling endlessly while watching a slinky go down thirty flights of stairs.
If you do everything with great love, the whole world will come alive.
Love with abandon. This is it!
Ram Das said: "I'm going to die! Dig that! I'm going to live! Dig that!" Good and bad things are going to happen, the only pain reliever, the only thing to make the highs higher is to love as one having an ecstatic, spiritual experience. Love like you're watching your bride walk toward you (even if you're female). Love with such delight that you rival the three-year-old giggling endlessly while watching a slinky go down thirty flights of stairs.
If you do everything with great love, the whole world will come alive.
Love with abandon. This is it!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Floating thoughts
I met with the kids that I was supposed to meet with. It was ecstatic and calm and crazy and lovely. It was everything I hoped it would be and everything it was supposed to be. We jammed and recorded and screamed and dogpiled. We visited the Hare Krishnas- twice- and ate prasadam and made some monk friends and danced and chanted like a hummingbird on acid and meth. You need to have that spiritual experience.
We've got to keep the momentum. Keep your momentum. Don't compromise. Don't slow down. Don't get bored. Don't get complacent. Go go go. Love. And smile!
"Keep your heart open. Push through frustration. Open, open, open up. I love everyone so much!"
I go back to work tomorrow, and now I am really stoked to do it. I guess I'm not stoked to have a schedule, but I'm a lot looser now about time. Finally. I used to be so anal retentive about punctuality. I don't need that.
I'm going a few miles north today to a little town where a mad socialist is stripping bark with his comrades, one of which will be me in a few hours. I haven't seen him in about two years, but in my memory he has a remarkable pattern of energy. He knows a lot of things I don't. They'll be using the tree sacrifices to erect a cabin that will begin a collective in Alexander, AR. If anyone can do it, Kenny can.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear.
We've got to keep the momentum. Keep your momentum. Don't compromise. Don't slow down. Don't get bored. Don't get complacent. Go go go. Love. And smile!
"Keep your heart open. Push through frustration. Open, open, open up. I love everyone so much!"
I go back to work tomorrow, and now I am really stoked to do it. I guess I'm not stoked to have a schedule, but I'm a lot looser now about time. Finally. I used to be so anal retentive about punctuality. I don't need that.
I'm going a few miles north today to a little town where a mad socialist is stripping bark with his comrades, one of which will be me in a few hours. I haven't seen him in about two years, but in my memory he has a remarkable pattern of energy. He knows a lot of things I don't. They'll be using the tree sacrifices to erect a cabin that will begin a collective in Alexander, AR. If anyone can do it, Kenny can.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Full Moon
Full moon tonight. Go dance under it.
Charge of the Star Goddess
By Doreen Valiente, adapted by Starhawk
Listen to the words of the Great Mother, Who of old was called Artemis, Astarte, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Diana, Arionrhod, Brigid, and by many other names:
Whenever you have need of anything, once a month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me Who is Queen of all the Wise.
You shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you be free you shall be naked in your rites.
Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth.
For My law is love is unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the cauldron of Cerridwen, that is the holy grail of immortality.
I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before.
Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe:
I Who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters,
I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me.
For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe.
From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return.
Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.
Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.
And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.
For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Fear
I'm afraid of everything. Just everything. Mostly it's security, and financial in nature, which makes me ashamed. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of not being educated enough. I'm afraid of not doing what I want to do as an occupation. But I want to be out in creeks and meadows twirling and eating fruit and loving and playing and singing. Instead, I am working in air conditioning toward I-don't-know-what and pursuing a graduate degree so I can pay off my debt...by accruing more debt first and being alone. Fuck my life. I have come to the tipping point. I have come to the edge. It is time to jump off or walk back down the hill to the village that is this shitty existence we like to call the American Dream. The American Dream is telling me to get a Ph.D in order to be a big bad scientist so she can say "OH WORLD LOOK HOW SUCCESSFUL I AM I KNOW SO MUCH I AM ALL POWERFUL DEPARTMENT CHAIR."
The jumper just wants to play (and will settle for a Master's degree). It's like birth. Ha, everything to me is birth. Shall I take the epidural and have a forgetful time, or will I go for the ride and find transcendence?
Trouble is, I don't know how to stop being afraid. I just want to work and pay off this shit so I can stop worrying about it. I think I'm just going to say "Fuck everything" and just be at peace with what happens. I am not the money I make. I am not the job I have. I am not the debt I owe. What can be taken from me? My living space? It's too expensive and I'm alone all the time anyway. I'm gonna live in my car (unless you want to room with me). My car? I can bike, and I have a tent. My credit? I don't want any anyway. Why would I buy a house or anything from this ugly system of buy, guilt, throw away, guilt, etc? My education? I already have all that I REALLY need. My freedom. HA. I've sacrificed it long enough to the rat race for what? Nothing. I'm a little older, a little fatter, a lot more depressed, and discontent. I'm learning things that make sense, and the things I am learning are in stark contrast to the path I'm on.
AH GAH I feel like if I just make it to these people I feel cosmically kin to maybe it'll be alright.
Listen to your intuition, mama. Your body knows what to do. Don't be scared. Trust it.
Your body won't stop.
Let go.
Quickening has come and gone. This is pre-labor.
Let go.
It doesn't have to hurt. It's only painful if you fight it.
Let go.
I feel you everywhere.
The jumper just wants to play (and will settle for a Master's degree). It's like birth. Ha, everything to me is birth. Shall I take the epidural and have a forgetful time, or will I go for the ride and find transcendence?
Trouble is, I don't know how to stop being afraid. I just want to work and pay off this shit so I can stop worrying about it. I think I'm just going to say "Fuck everything" and just be at peace with what happens. I am not the money I make. I am not the job I have. I am not the debt I owe. What can be taken from me? My living space? It's too expensive and I'm alone all the time anyway. I'm gonna live in my car (unless you want to room with me). My car? I can bike, and I have a tent. My credit? I don't want any anyway. Why would I buy a house or anything from this ugly system of buy, guilt, throw away, guilt, etc? My education? I already have all that I REALLY need. My freedom. HA. I've sacrificed it long enough to the rat race for what? Nothing. I'm a little older, a little fatter, a lot more depressed, and discontent. I'm learning things that make sense, and the things I am learning are in stark contrast to the path I'm on.
AH GAH I feel like if I just make it to these people I feel cosmically kin to maybe it'll be alright.
Listen to your intuition, mama. Your body knows what to do. Don't be scared. Trust it.
Your body won't stop.
Let go.
Quickening has come and gone. This is pre-labor.
Let go.
It doesn't have to hurt. It's only painful if you fight it.
Let go.
I feel you everywhere.
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