Everything is Vibrating Continually.

I have a lot to say, but not right now.

I know a girl who lives downtown
Gets her food from the trash and smokes from the ground
She sleeps on the rocks and scumfucks around
But she’s the only real lady that I’ve ever found

My big twin sister is a spazzed magpie
Hated being a girl, so she showed up as a guy.
Made love in the middle of the night, but I cried
Because we’re twinkles on opposite sides of the sky.

Masters of bliss who live in a house
They get arrested for the truth and yelling it out.





Well hell, that's all I got right now.

Also, yes. yes, yes, and yes. I agree, that's right, and this moment is perfect.

Future Folk Singers of America

Several people, especially my closest friends, really encourage me in my music. The problem is, I'm still struggling to even begin to write my own. Which is a shame; by now I thought I'd at least have a coffee shop gig. I'm tentatively planning to commit to practicing guitar and actively writing more over the break. Anyway, I just thought of that because I was posting this song...and I wish I could write songs like this. I've heard it in my head upon meeting someone twice. The first time, when I met my brother, Taylor. The other time was the day me and my husband got together. I really need to learn the chords.

Half Asleep (Dan Messe)

I want to tell you I've watched the waves
That wake the sea
The lightning that wakes up the ground
And my heart has been half asleep inside of me
It wakes up when you come around

I want to tell you I've watched the moon
That trips the tide
The shadows that trip on the tree
And I'm wearing a blindfold, a shoelace untied
I'm steady when you're next to me

I've been half asleep all of my life
Lost in the dark of some perilous night
Is that you or some beautiful light
Finally coming around

And my heart has been half asleep all of my life
It wakes up when you come around
It wakes up when you come around




I'll surprise you.

Everything will change.

Priorities have shifted and clarity has hit me dead in the face in just the last few months. After the first of the year, I'll be living in a new place and doing new things, but things are happening now.

I got married last Friday. Yes, interwebz, I got legally married. We haven't been seeing each other long, but we've known each other for years, and now is all you have so why would you wait? That was what was always wrong with me- I always felt like I needed to wait, there was no urgency or need to live right now and be content to die at a moment's notice with regard to my love life. I had serious issues with that. Last Friday I went to Little Rock for a meeting with a birth client, and during lunch Stewart and I decided to get a marriage license. Then, up walked a Justice of the Peace. We were married by a window in the Pulaski County courthouse. It was the right decision, I promise. Some people have remarked that it was kind of sudden, but meh. We just didn't feel like making a huge crazy fuss over ourselves.

(P.S. I'm not pregnant).

Later that night, I picked up my little 12-week-old tabby boy whose name is Arlo. Arlo Guthrie Fuell, for all you I-give-cats-people-names folks. He is very needy, but he's a kitten, so I'm okay with that. Sweet cat.

All of my paperwork and assistantship stuff for UCA in January is filed and ready to go. I just have to figure out how much of a loan to ask for to cover some summer living expenses (as a backup; if I'm a certified doula by then, then I'll just pay back that loan...with the loan money. Immediately). Graduate school starts January 14th. My resignation letter is on my boss's desk; I won't be here after January 10th or so, but I will be paid until the 30th. Sweeeeet.

I was with a birth client from 11:30 a.m. yesterday until 2:30 a.m. this morning. 22 hours, totally natural labor, seventeen hours of which she did at home and the rest at the hospital (mostly in the tub or sitting up on the bed with a squat bar). It was a fantastic, beautiful, sacred and gentle birth. No tearing, and it is totally true that you completely forget the pain once the baby is here. It was the best birth I've ever attended.

I guess I can't complain. Except legally changing your name is kind of a bitch.

Luck

The past week has been crazy.

My cat is gone. She is no more. She was my little baby, and I miss her terribly. She and I had a very special connection. No more little mews or cuddling at night. :(

I will be looking to adopt a new animal sometime in December. My coworker's dog just had collie/lab mix puppies, and I'd be open to a dog, but the place where I may be living for graduate school isn't very dog-friendly. If that doesn't work out, I'll adopt from the Humane Society again. Anna is irreplacable, but I really love having an animal companion.

My wallet went missing. It may be lost, but it was pretty suspicious. I had promised to babysit my cousin yesterday and today is a bank holiday, so all I've been able to do is cancel my debit and credit cards. I'm confident no one has tried to use them since I cancelled them so soon, but I'd like to be sure. No odd charges are posted on my online banking, but I'm still going to go look tomorrow at the bank. Pretty sure the debit card hasn't been used; I'm not as worried about the credit card, because they'll just take off any false charges. It's just a pain in the ass to have no debit card or driver's license. I was going to get my new license today...but...it's Veteran's Day. Darn it. At least I have a checkbook and a passport.

Good news, though. The car maintenance I needed isn't going to cost nearly as much because my cousin can do it. Yaaay! And I will soon be having my yearly visits for dental and physical stuff, which will be good to get out of the way before graduate school. I registered for classes yesterday, and everything is on track there. I just have to send off my teaching contract.
I have a doula client who will be in labor anyday. All in all, I guess I can't complain. I just miss my cat.

She melts into an iridescent puddle on the floor

Wow, I am way overdue. For a complete emotional breakdown, that is. In fact, if I don't have one for a few weeks, I start to think something is REALLY wrong. It's how I wring myself out. It's like New Year's Day, only way more than once a year. And I'm doing that teetering act now, where I'm standing right on the ledge and feel the fear and exhiliration but don't quite go over yet. But I know I will. And then I'll clean everything in sight for about a day then be alright again.

I haven't had one in nearly a month, and I'm scared to have one now. I don't want to scare people who have gotten close to me. I am irritable and moody. No good.

I am the best at hiding my brokenness when it's at its worst ,though. That is to say, when my friends see me crying in a little ball or completely catatonic, that's a good sign, I'm okay. It's like rain during a storm. Once it gets calm, then you need to worry.

I need a vacation. I'd take three days, even. I'm starting to take doula clients again, and I love it, but that's just one more thing. I'm tired of piano lessons because I don't have time. I haven't wanted to be in pipe band for a few years, but I feel some odd sense of obligation. I'm playing every Sunday for a church an hour away, and the fuel cost is really adding up. In fact, my paycheck is going into my car, since where I'm living now is smack in between the place I'm chained to and where I want to be. I love my students, but working 8-5 everyday is really wearing on me. I can't see my boyfriend without driving two hours, and he can't very well come to me all the time, either. Time time time. I'm always pressed for it. I'm taking tomorrow off. Screw it.
Just to go somewhere and not do anything but sleep and eat and watch movies or something ridiculous like that would be nice. I'm just so tired of driving. Oop, here come the tears. Time to go home and pretend everything's good.

You can't help that. We're all mad here.

Cheshire kitty paces on the tree limb, head bobbing up and down. "What will you do? Do you feel it? It's coming, isn't it?" His voice is low and smooth, with the sound of sinister humor in it.

"What's coming?" asks the girl.

Cheshire stops to flash a grin and wags his whole bottom, whipping his tail in excitement. "Why, the end. The end is coming! The end of all the world! Don't you see it?"

"I don't see anything, and I don't think anything is going to happen. You're just a crazy old cat. What would you know about the end of the world?"

"What is more important" purrs the kitty "is what you're going to do when it comes. Think on it. What will you do?"

"Well, I don't know what I will do, but I do not want to be out here when it happens. If you're so smart, then tell me which way I should go! I'm lost again."

Cheshire kitty becomes still and serious as he whips his huge, polydactyl paw around to explain again "As you well know, in that direction lives a March Hare...And in that direction..." He urges Alice not to visit the Rabbit.

Cheshire kitty's madness seems to be slowly taking him over, barely speaking in sentences now due to his excitement, complete loosening of associations, as his thoughts are enraptured and hypnotized by visions of the Crash, the death of the Hare and the chaos that will ensue. Wonderland will be reduced to nothing; any semblance of order (as if there were much of any) will be gone. The March Hare will be cooked and eaten, torn limb from limb. The Mad Hatter will laugh and giggle as he packs a rucksack and follows the Cheshire Cat into the wilderness while no one is looking. Kitty urges Alice to follow the schizoid Hatter, not the rushed, anxious rabbit. White Rabbit is going to pay, and all the creatures left in Wonderland are going to get a piece. Stop following the Rabbit; to be found with him will get you eaten, too. You will be destroyed.

But to escape with the Hatter means you must learn to be self-sufficient, and you must learn to communicate and function in this world forever, to completely let go of what you have come to know as sanity or reason, to be completely comfortable with the disconcerting and horrifyingly beautiful and to welcome the trial by fire. If you lose your mind, and you are not your body, only spirit you'll be. There is truth and comfort in perverted minds, the demented Sage Cat tells her. If you can just get rid of this attachment to the Hare and stop clinging so desperately to what you knew, what kept you functioning in the World, you will find more peace than you ever had. You must go among the mad people; your life depends on it.