My first semester of graduate school is over. I have a thesis project (no experiments yet, though) and a 4.0. I am just as busy now as I was in the school year. It sucks. If I am not in my office reading about my thesis work and putting down ideas, I am preparing to go out in the field (and I'm camping in the field tomorrow and the next day...I am planning to FINISH Wednesday).
My stepson's birthday is Wednesday. I won't get home until later, so we're doing our family birthday celebration on Thursday. It's really hard to juggle all this field work with family.
I am huge, and baby River is bigger every day! He kicks and bounces around a lot, so forcefully now that folks can see my belly poke a little when he kicks, and other people can definitely feel it. He's doing a little tap dance right now, actually. He's head down, so I feel it mostly at the top of my tummy and just barely off to the side. We had our last ultrasound at 20 weeks (I am now 24 weeks!) and he looks wonderful. He even yawned for us! It was great. We start homebirth classes in just a few weeks, and I was encouraged by two natural births that I attended last week. It was hard work, but both mamas were victorious and had some cute babies! :D
Mother's Day was wonderful! Elijah made me a necklace at school; it was really sweet, especially because I've only been his stepmom for six months, and actually taking care of him with Stewart for only two. Stewart gave me an AWESOME bag that has Krishna and the Taj Mahal on it (and various other Indian things)- I told him I loved it so much it would be River's diaper bag. I don't know if he liked that, but it just means I am going to be carrying it around a lot! My mother gave me a little photo album and candle, my cousin Rissa gave me a really cute card, and Katherine gave me a handprint/footprint frame set. I can't believe I got presents for Mother's Day! It was so fun!
Well, it's 4 p.m. and I haven't eaten lunch. Guess I should do that. I've been busy trying to figure out field work and crew stuff so we will have enough people to work tomorrow and the next day. We have a midwife appointment next week; I'll update after that.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
March/April
Thank goodness, Spring is here! I feel like I can come out of hibernation!
We are settled into our apartment (with the exception of the curtains I am going to make this weekend) and have established some semblance of a routine. I now know why Stewart always seemed to be late for work- having to get yourself and a kid ready really takes a while! It's been a lot better having two of us there to work with Eli. Like I said, I've still got curtains to put up and plants to put out, but other than that, we're pretty settled in.
We've been going a lot (here, there, everywhere), and I hope the summer will mean we get to go a little less. I am purposing to not take on many projects for the summer, though it already seems like I'll be busy with my Research Assistantship, thesis research, homebirth classes, and the end of my doula certification. :\
I hit 18 weeks yesterday in my pregnancy. I am definitely feeling River bounce around in there, and I am seriously showing! We've been really lucky to get lots of help from my family with things like a carseat, stroller, bouncer, etc., and my cousin Clarissa says she's going to throw me a baby shower in July. Yeesh! I was handed a big stack of brand new baby clothes just yesterday by my cousin Katherine. Part of my summer projects will include making things River needs- slings, nursing pads (okay, those are for me), some cloth diapers and wipes (though I think his dad is mostly going disposable; I told him I am sticking with cloth for my diaper changes!), blankets, little hats, etc. We'll be going for another ultrasound here in a couple of weeks just for fun, and I'm excited to see how he's grown in the past few months. I'm also going to be seeing a chiropractor in the next few weeks- the lower back pressure/pain is starting to set in. Everyone tells me it only gets worse. Duh. I know.
I watched Orgasmic Birth with Stewart last weekend, and if you haven't seen it, you need to watch it. Seriously. Even if you're not pregnant. Another big one is The Business of Being Born; that movie made me decide not to go to medical school. Srsly.
I've only got three weeks of school left. I can't believe how this semester has flown, but that's fine with me. This is what I've got left to do this school year:
1. Ichthyology test (next Tuesday).
2. Ichthyology paper and presentation.
3. Grad seminar class experiment (due April 12th, my partner and I lead the class in experiments we'll be setting up this week).
4. Grad seminar final report.
5. Evolution final presentation.
The problem is finding the time to do all that stuff between classes and lab prep. :\ All this will probably have to be done the last week in April. We'll see.
I am freakin' ready for the summer. I think. I hope it's not too busy. I'm starting to hate being busy.
We are settled into our apartment (with the exception of the curtains I am going to make this weekend) and have established some semblance of a routine. I now know why Stewart always seemed to be late for work- having to get yourself and a kid ready really takes a while! It's been a lot better having two of us there to work with Eli. Like I said, I've still got curtains to put up and plants to put out, but other than that, we're pretty settled in.
We've been going a lot (here, there, everywhere), and I hope the summer will mean we get to go a little less. I am purposing to not take on many projects for the summer, though it already seems like I'll be busy with my Research Assistantship, thesis research, homebirth classes, and the end of my doula certification. :\
I hit 18 weeks yesterday in my pregnancy. I am definitely feeling River bounce around in there, and I am seriously showing! We've been really lucky to get lots of help from my family with things like a carseat, stroller, bouncer, etc., and my cousin Clarissa says she's going to throw me a baby shower in July. Yeesh! I was handed a big stack of brand new baby clothes just yesterday by my cousin Katherine. Part of my summer projects will include making things River needs- slings, nursing pads (okay, those are for me), some cloth diapers and wipes (though I think his dad is mostly going disposable; I told him I am sticking with cloth for my diaper changes!), blankets, little hats, etc. We'll be going for another ultrasound here in a couple of weeks just for fun, and I'm excited to see how he's grown in the past few months. I'm also going to be seeing a chiropractor in the next few weeks- the lower back pressure/pain is starting to set in. Everyone tells me it only gets worse. Duh. I know.
I watched Orgasmic Birth with Stewart last weekend, and if you haven't seen it, you need to watch it. Seriously. Even if you're not pregnant. Another big one is The Business of Being Born; that movie made me decide not to go to medical school. Srsly.
I've only got three weeks of school left. I can't believe how this semester has flown, but that's fine with me. This is what I've got left to do this school year:
1. Ichthyology test (next Tuesday).
2. Ichthyology paper and presentation.
3. Grad seminar class experiment (due April 12th, my partner and I lead the class in experiments we'll be setting up this week).
4. Grad seminar final report.
5. Evolution final presentation.
The problem is finding the time to do all that stuff between classes and lab prep. :\ All this will probably have to be done the last week in April. We'll see.
I am freakin' ready for the summer. I think. I hope it's not too busy. I'm starting to hate being busy.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Fallen robin
In graduate school, pretty full on schoolwork that seems to have no end. Writing a lit review (I should really start on it...), paper due in Ichthyology, test tomorrow, presentation in Evolution, lab to write up for Seminar, plus teaching, grading, and prepping. AND research.
Moved in with husband, he helps a lot around the house.
Nearly four months pregnant with a son. He's quit making me nauseated, so we get along much better now. I never knew how amazing a woman's body could be until I started making headway on this person-growing business. My breasts are much bigger, my stomach is poking out, my body demands much more water and nearly as much food, and I have a video of a little alien bobbing around in my stomach sucking his thumb thanks to a badass sonographer. They say he'll come in early September. I give it more of a range- September 1st-20th. Somewhere in there.
Moved in with husband, he helps a lot around the house.
Nearly four months pregnant with a son. He's quit making me nauseated, so we get along much better now. I never knew how amazing a woman's body could be until I started making headway on this person-growing business. My breasts are much bigger, my stomach is poking out, my body demands much more water and nearly as much food, and I have a video of a little alien bobbing around in my stomach sucking his thumb thanks to a badass sonographer. They say he'll come in early September. I give it more of a range- September 1st-20th. Somewhere in there.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Diary of a Mad Pregnant Woman
Okay, you know all that crap I said in my last post about how I love being pregnant? And how I'm eating good foods and am embracing this transition?
When I envisioned my pregnant self, I saw a glowing, angelic Allyn with a nice round belly, no cellulite, prancing through the woods. There was no morning sickness, and my body was working exactly as it should (which, of course, meant I felt no discomfort). I loved being pregnant in this vision! Pregnancy would make me a goddess!
Ohohohohoho. Wow. That is funny. Reaaaaaally funny. The thought of it now makes me chuckle. No, it makes me LOL.
Well, first the good news. While ultrasound-time will not happen for two more months, I did get several test results at my appointment last Tuesday (I get the rest this Thursday). So far, everything is just super. Yay.
The bad news: prego sickness has taken over my life. For well over a week now, I have been constantly nauseated. Like, please-god-just-let-me-puke nauseated. I have to eat pretty much constantly to keep the nausea at bay (and that doesn't really work). I have vomited violently a total of two times, once in a Cracker Barrel bathroom (in which a nurse came to my stall door and made sure I was okay...I had to explain that I was just eight weeks pregnant, and thus was not pregnant enough for my BABY TO QUIT HATING ME, so all was well). As for what I'm eating, the thought of vegetables makes me sick. I walked through Kroger (nauseated, of course) and bought EVERY PRODUCT IN THE WHOLE STORE that didn't make me nauseated. My grocery bill was a mere $40, folks. Don't even get me started on the shrimp in the open freezer. I smelled it all over the store. I want to kill all shrimp everywhere...and make sure they don't end up at Kroger.
I have very frequent indigestion, which I didn't know could happen this early in pregnancy. I hiccup (really, just gas, not diaphragmatic contractions) frequently. I have to pee every two hours (at the most! Usually on the hour.). And I don't normally talk about such topics, but since last week, my intestines could supply enough gas to completely end our reliance on foreign reserves. I'm not even going to go into what's coming out of my intestines nowadays. Trust me: it defies logic.
Oh, and I turned twenty-five years old this week. I got to celebrate by napping and not puking. Hooray.
Somebody tell this kid to knock it off with the progesterone fits or I'm going to withhold the prenatal vitamins and smoke a cigarette (okay, okay, I'm kidding, but I AM tired of being sick).
I'm starting to wonder when I'm supposed to enjoy being pregnant. At least my husband's having fun with all the "I get to be a daddy!" stuff and rubbing my fledgling baby bump. The only enjoyment I get from this nowadays? I have an excuse to nap and be bitchy, and all of my flowy hippie clothes will soon serve a purpose. Ah, maternity wear.
When I envisioned my pregnant self, I saw a glowing, angelic Allyn with a nice round belly, no cellulite, prancing through the woods. There was no morning sickness, and my body was working exactly as it should (which, of course, meant I felt no discomfort). I loved being pregnant in this vision! Pregnancy would make me a goddess!
Ohohohohoho. Wow. That is funny. Reaaaaaally funny. The thought of it now makes me chuckle. No, it makes me LOL.
Well, first the good news. While ultrasound-time will not happen for two more months, I did get several test results at my appointment last Tuesday (I get the rest this Thursday). So far, everything is just super. Yay.
The bad news: prego sickness has taken over my life. For well over a week now, I have been constantly nauseated. Like, please-god-just-let-me-puke nauseated. I have to eat pretty much constantly to keep the nausea at bay (and that doesn't really work). I have vomited violently a total of two times, once in a Cracker Barrel bathroom (in which a nurse came to my stall door and made sure I was okay...I had to explain that I was just eight weeks pregnant, and thus was not pregnant enough for my BABY TO QUIT HATING ME, so all was well). As for what I'm eating, the thought of vegetables makes me sick. I walked through Kroger (nauseated, of course) and bought EVERY PRODUCT IN THE WHOLE STORE that didn't make me nauseated. My grocery bill was a mere $40, folks. Don't even get me started on the shrimp in the open freezer. I smelled it all over the store. I want to kill all shrimp everywhere...and make sure they don't end up at Kroger.
I have very frequent indigestion, which I didn't know could happen this early in pregnancy. I hiccup (really, just gas, not diaphragmatic contractions) frequently. I have to pee every two hours (at the most! Usually on the hour.). And I don't normally talk about such topics, but since last week, my intestines could supply enough gas to completely end our reliance on foreign reserves. I'm not even going to go into what's coming out of my intestines nowadays. Trust me: it defies logic.
Oh, and I turned twenty-five years old this week. I got to celebrate by napping and not puking. Hooray.
Somebody tell this kid to knock it off with the progesterone fits or I'm going to withhold the prenatal vitamins and smoke a cigarette (okay, okay, I'm kidding, but I AM tired of being sick).
I'm starting to wonder when I'm supposed to enjoy being pregnant. At least my husband's having fun with all the "I get to be a daddy!" stuff and rubbing my fledgling baby bump. The only enjoyment I get from this nowadays? I have an excuse to nap and be bitchy, and all of my flowy hippie clothes will soon serve a purpose. Ah, maternity wear.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Oh, Baby
Last Friday, I noticed I've been incredibly tired and hungry for the past few weeks. Well, I realized that after I figured out that my stomach was NOT receding from the position it was in- noticably a little rounder. Not big at all, but it was a small convex curve. Three pregnancy tests later, I am embracing the transition of pregnancy- the journey from maiden to mother, the switch from crunchy granola girl to...crunchy granola mama. By the autumnal equinox, I'll be carrying my own kid on the outside!
Being pregnant is awesome! Well, so far...which is only about six weeks (at the most). I contacted my prospective midwife, and I need to have an ultrasound to determine my due date. That will be done before the end of January. That will hopefully be my last ultrasound; we don't plan to find out the baby's gender until he/she gets here.
As most people who know me would guess, I am planning a homebirth. I know I need to give birth in a place where I feel comfortable, safe, and uninhibited...e.g. NOT A HOSPITAL. In fact, I would personally feel UNSAFE giving birth at a hospital. That isn't to say that it is sometimes necessary, and I completely honor anyone who has given birth...anywhere and under any circumstances! That includes the hospital. As a student doula, I have seen some wonderful maternity care in (some) hospitals. It's just not right for ME. Statistics show that for low-risk pregnancies (NOT ALL...but LOW-RISK), homebirth with a skilled midwife is as safe or even safer than hospital birth. Homebirth precludes the use of unnecessary interventions which could lead to medically-induced fetal distress. Plus, midwives are taught to read warning signs well before they become a serious danger to mother and baby, so there is time to transport if need be. And midwives carry things like oxygen and pitocin...just in case. I feel very confident and secure in birthing at home with a midwife.
My midwife is actually the doula who was with me at my very first birth as a student doula. She totally saved the day! She was kind and compassionate through the whole birth, and when there was a complication (and no doctor to be found), she jumped right into midwife mode and delivered a shoulder dystocia like it was just a walk in the park. Even before that, I knew that this sweet woman just had to be my midwife.
Now, before I can go completely through with hiring my midwife and planning my birth, I need to have a risk assessment. (I'll also have to have one at the end of my pregnancy). This is usually done by a doctor or at a health clinic. Mine will be done by a doctor. If I have any health conditions, I will most likely have to birth in a hospital. I've been doing my best to be super healthy, though, but not really because I don't want a hospital birth...it's more for the little grain of rice jumping around in my tummy. Heh.
As far as nutrition, I'm trying to cut back on meat. I am only buying organic dairy products. I've been doing my darndest to avoid white sugar and sodas (though I gave in once to sweet tea). I've been drinking a lot more water and eating more fruits and veggies (way more, actually!). I'm also drinking red raspberry leaf tea, which is a great tonic for the uterus. After all that tea, it'll be toned and ready to pop this baby out in seven or eight months! It is great for pregnancy and helps to prevent a host of possible complications. And, of course, I'm taking prenatal vitamins everyday.
Doing work in the field (for school) is keeping me very, very active. I hiked for hours today! I am wiped out! Still, I want to keep up my yoga. I just hope I can find a good prenatal yoga class once my belly gets really round. I'm also planning to go to some cardio classes at UCA- I emailed an instructor today asking for recommendations regarding the most appropriate classes for pregnant women (please say belly dancing...please say belly dancing...)
Things left on my to do list:
- Give in to my yogurt craving.
- Give in to my pretzel and cheese craving.
- Start taking fish oil (apparently it will help with neurological growth and development!)
- Look into seeing a chiropractor (apparently it reduces average labor time! I am all for that!)
- Rent or buy an AquaDoula. Yep, waterbirth, folks. It's the natural birthers epidural!
- Continue reading Mothering magazine online. :P I read this even before I found out. I just love it!
- Read Dr. Sears' pregnancy book, Birthing from Within, books on waterbirth, anything I can find on orgasmic birth, and Spiritual Midwifery. I'm sure I'll add more. I'll probably have to wait until summer for some of these...school is going to be crazy! Luckily, I've read several great ones already for doula class.
Many more updates to come.
Being pregnant is awesome! Well, so far...which is only about six weeks (at the most). I contacted my prospective midwife, and I need to have an ultrasound to determine my due date. That will be done before the end of January. That will hopefully be my last ultrasound; we don't plan to find out the baby's gender until he/she gets here.
As most people who know me would guess, I am planning a homebirth. I know I need to give birth in a place where I feel comfortable, safe, and uninhibited...e.g. NOT A HOSPITAL. In fact, I would personally feel UNSAFE giving birth at a hospital. That isn't to say that it is sometimes necessary, and I completely honor anyone who has given birth...anywhere and under any circumstances! That includes the hospital. As a student doula, I have seen some wonderful maternity care in (some) hospitals. It's just not right for ME. Statistics show that for low-risk pregnancies (NOT ALL...but LOW-RISK), homebirth with a skilled midwife is as safe or even safer than hospital birth. Homebirth precludes the use of unnecessary interventions which could lead to medically-induced fetal distress. Plus, midwives are taught to read warning signs well before they become a serious danger to mother and baby, so there is time to transport if need be. And midwives carry things like oxygen and pitocin...just in case. I feel very confident and secure in birthing at home with a midwife.
My midwife is actually the doula who was with me at my very first birth as a student doula. She totally saved the day! She was kind and compassionate through the whole birth, and when there was a complication (and no doctor to be found), she jumped right into midwife mode and delivered a shoulder dystocia like it was just a walk in the park. Even before that, I knew that this sweet woman just had to be my midwife.
Now, before I can go completely through with hiring my midwife and planning my birth, I need to have a risk assessment. (I'll also have to have one at the end of my pregnancy). This is usually done by a doctor or at a health clinic. Mine will be done by a doctor. If I have any health conditions, I will most likely have to birth in a hospital. I've been doing my best to be super healthy, though, but not really because I don't want a hospital birth...it's more for the little grain of rice jumping around in my tummy. Heh.
As far as nutrition, I'm trying to cut back on meat. I am only buying organic dairy products. I've been doing my darndest to avoid white sugar and sodas (though I gave in once to sweet tea). I've been drinking a lot more water and eating more fruits and veggies (way more, actually!). I'm also drinking red raspberry leaf tea, which is a great tonic for the uterus. After all that tea, it'll be toned and ready to pop this baby out in seven or eight months! It is great for pregnancy and helps to prevent a host of possible complications. And, of course, I'm taking prenatal vitamins everyday.
Doing work in the field (for school) is keeping me very, very active. I hiked for hours today! I am wiped out! Still, I want to keep up my yoga. I just hope I can find a good prenatal yoga class once my belly gets really round. I'm also planning to go to some cardio classes at UCA- I emailed an instructor today asking for recommendations regarding the most appropriate classes for pregnant women (please say belly dancing...please say belly dancing...)
Things left on my to do list:
- Give in to my yogurt craving.
- Give in to my pretzel and cheese craving.
- Start taking fish oil (apparently it will help with neurological growth and development!)
- Look into seeing a chiropractor (apparently it reduces average labor time! I am all for that!)
- Rent or buy an AquaDoula. Yep, waterbirth, folks. It's the natural birthers epidural!
- Continue reading Mothering magazine online. :P I read this even before I found out. I just love it!
- Read Dr. Sears' pregnancy book, Birthing from Within, books on waterbirth, anything I can find on orgasmic birth, and Spiritual Midwifery. I'm sure I'll add more. I'll probably have to wait until summer for some of these...school is going to be crazy! Luckily, I've read several great ones already for doula class.
Many more updates to come.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The world is a vampire.
I am utterly heartbroken. Here, blog, you take the brunt of my sadness.
First, I have a wedding shower today. On this day, all of my friends and coworkers from Lyon were going to get to meet my husband. But, unfortunately, circumstances beyond his control prevented him from coming. I'm not mad about it, because he really couldn't help it and it was all in the best interest of his Nanny, but I'm still really sad. I guess most husbands don't go to wedding showers, but I wanted him to meet everyone. Now they never will. They don't even know who they're giving the gifts to. At least, they don't know half of the couple.
Second, I was so excited to find that there were apartments open across the street from my school. Yay! Even a two bedroom, which I didn't think was completely necessary because teeny children don't usually need their own rooms, but whatever. And this apartment is affordable, considering it's in Conway. Well, now it looks like it's not going to happen. AFTER I called and told the lady I'd be there tomorrow to pay for it and everything. So, again, I am homeless. Every alternative I come up with is shot down, and when I finally acquiesce and call about an apartment there, that doesn't go through, either. I NEED A PLAN. This is driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to live alone in my car. I'll mostly live at school or in a tent, anyway. I have friends who'll let me use their backyards, and my mom will catsit. Commuting 1.5 hours to school EVERY DAY is just not an option for me. I'd rather live in my tent in Toad Suck Park or in woods around the city than drive all day every day. Ideas, electively homeless friends?
Very. Upset.
First, I have a wedding shower today. On this day, all of my friends and coworkers from Lyon were going to get to meet my husband. But, unfortunately, circumstances beyond his control prevented him from coming. I'm not mad about it, because he really couldn't help it and it was all in the best interest of his Nanny, but I'm still really sad. I guess most husbands don't go to wedding showers, but I wanted him to meet everyone. Now they never will. They don't even know who they're giving the gifts to. At least, they don't know half of the couple.
Second, I was so excited to find that there were apartments open across the street from my school. Yay! Even a two bedroom, which I didn't think was completely necessary because teeny children don't usually need their own rooms, but whatever. And this apartment is affordable, considering it's in Conway. Well, now it looks like it's not going to happen. AFTER I called and told the lady I'd be there tomorrow to pay for it and everything. So, again, I am homeless. Every alternative I come up with is shot down, and when I finally acquiesce and call about an apartment there, that doesn't go through, either. I NEED A PLAN. This is driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to live alone in my car. I'll mostly live at school or in a tent, anyway. I have friends who'll let me use their backyards, and my mom will catsit. Commuting 1.5 hours to school EVERY DAY is just not an option for me. I'd rather live in my tent in Toad Suck Park or in woods around the city than drive all day every day. Ideas, electively homeless friends?
Very. Upset.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Fitter, happier, more productive, not drinking too much
From deep within my psyche, I'm pretty much screaming at everyone. I would almost call it yelling for help, but not in a pitiful way. So not really yelling "for help." Just yelling. Because I'm not allowed to say anything about it in the present tense. I have a different term for it then. The problem is, part of the rules are that I can't talk about it. I can't do it in front of people, at least, not out loud. I can't even talk about why I can't talk about it. Isn't that insane? I mean, I can sort of talk about it, but there are certain words that are off limits. Now I'm pushing the limits a little, but I think it's good for me to write myself a little note about it. Oh, the more insane part is that I CAN talk about it when I'm not living it. Then, just like a switch, I'm not longer allowed to mention it. It's only a past tense issue, like it's okay and even worthy of pride to be a victor but it's not okay to be going through it. I know that's at least slightly quirky, if not abnormal, but that's how it is.
Slowly but surely, and oddly enough right on schedule, the old me is back. You can time it, almost, predict the return. Over the past few weeks, my habits have crept back up on me, and I have welcomed them like old friends. Old fears are happy boundaries, limits. My brain demands structure. And there's that love-hate relationship again. There are lots of things I won't be able to do anymore, things that just suddenly pop back up even if they'd seemed absurd for months, but there are many things that I'll do better. It's just that sometimes, it makes me feel pretty crazy and trapped. Trapped is the word I always used for it. When I feel trapped is when I start screaming on the inside. Because the me who was living a "chaotic" (not really, just by my standards) life had my own consciousness and personality at the forefront. The me I was my whole life before then had to always bury that, to remain under control, to do everything like I was "told" so life could go on smoothly. I mean, my consciousness is still controlling my body, obviously. It's just much more aware of everything I do and say, buried under layers of, uh, stuff- everything must be carefully thought out, rehearsed. So everything just takes longer.
And now I have hit the limit of what I am allowed to verbalize. Heh.
Good times, noodle salad.
Slowly but surely, and oddly enough right on schedule, the old me is back. You can time it, almost, predict the return. Over the past few weeks, my habits have crept back up on me, and I have welcomed them like old friends. Old fears are happy boundaries, limits. My brain demands structure. And there's that love-hate relationship again. There are lots of things I won't be able to do anymore, things that just suddenly pop back up even if they'd seemed absurd for months, but there are many things that I'll do better. It's just that sometimes, it makes me feel pretty crazy and trapped. Trapped is the word I always used for it. When I feel trapped is when I start screaming on the inside. Because the me who was living a "chaotic" (not really, just by my standards) life had my own consciousness and personality at the forefront. The me I was my whole life before then had to always bury that, to remain under control, to do everything like I was "told" so life could go on smoothly. I mean, my consciousness is still controlling my body, obviously. It's just much more aware of everything I do and say, buried under layers of, uh, stuff- everything must be carefully thought out, rehearsed. So everything just takes longer.
And now I have hit the limit of what I am allowed to verbalize. Heh.
Good times, noodle salad.
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