Diary of a Mad Pregnant Woman

Okay, you know all that crap I said in my last post about how I love being pregnant? And how I'm eating good foods and am embracing this transition?


When I envisioned my pregnant self, I saw a glowing, angelic Allyn with a nice round belly, no cellulite, prancing through the woods. There was no morning sickness, and my body was working exactly as it should (which, of course, meant I felt no discomfort). I loved being pregnant in this vision! Pregnancy would make me a goddess!

Ohohohohoho. Wow. That is funny. Reaaaaaally funny. The thought of it now makes me chuckle. No, it makes me LOL.

Well, first the good news. While ultrasound-time will not happen for two more months, I did get several test results at my appointment last Tuesday (I get the rest this Thursday). So far, everything is just super. Yay.

The bad news: prego sickness has taken over my life. For well over a week now, I have been constantly nauseated. Like, please-god-just-let-me-puke nauseated. I have to eat pretty much constantly to keep the nausea at bay (and that doesn't really work). I have vomited violently a total of two times, once in a Cracker Barrel bathroom (in which a nurse came to my stall door and made sure I was okay...I had to explain that I was just eight weeks pregnant, and thus was not pregnant enough for my BABY TO QUIT HATING ME, so all was well). As for what I'm eating, the thought of vegetables makes me sick. I walked through Kroger (nauseated, of course) and bought EVERY PRODUCT IN THE WHOLE STORE that didn't make me nauseated. My grocery bill was a mere $40, folks. Don't even get me started on the shrimp in the open freezer. I smelled it all over the store. I want to kill all shrimp everywhere...and make sure they don't end up at Kroger.

I have very frequent indigestion, which I didn't know could happen this early in pregnancy. I hiccup (really, just gas, not diaphragmatic contractions) frequently. I have to pee every two hours (at the most! Usually on the hour.). And I don't normally talk about such topics, but since last week, my intestines could supply enough gas to completely end our reliance on foreign reserves. I'm not even going to go into what's coming out of my intestines nowadays. Trust me: it defies logic.

Oh, and I turned twenty-five years old this week. I got to celebrate by napping and not puking. Hooray.

Somebody tell this kid to knock it off with the progesterone fits or I'm going to withhold the prenatal vitamins and smoke a cigarette (okay, okay, I'm kidding, but I AM tired of being sick).

I'm starting to wonder when I'm supposed to enjoy being pregnant. At least my husband's having fun with all the "I get to be a daddy!" stuff and rubbing my fledgling baby bump. The only enjoyment I get from this nowadays? I have an excuse to nap and be bitchy, and all of my flowy hippie clothes will soon serve a purpose. Ah, maternity wear.

Oh, Baby

Last Friday, I noticed I've been incredibly tired and hungry for the past few weeks. Well, I realized that after I figured out that my stomach was NOT receding from the position it was in- noticably a little rounder. Not big at all, but it was a small convex curve. Three pregnancy tests later, I am embracing the transition of pregnancy- the journey from maiden to mother, the switch from crunchy granola girl to...crunchy granola mama. By the autumnal equinox, I'll be carrying my own kid on the outside!

Being pregnant is awesome! Well, so far...which is only about six weeks (at the most). I contacted my prospective midwife, and I need to have an ultrasound to determine my due date. That will be done before the end of January. That will hopefully be my last ultrasound; we don't plan to find out the baby's gender until he/she gets here.

As most people who know me would guess, I am planning a homebirth. I know I need to give birth in a place where I feel comfortable, safe, and uninhibited...e.g. NOT A HOSPITAL. In fact, I would personally feel UNSAFE giving birth at a hospital. That isn't to say that it is sometimes necessary, and I completely honor anyone who has given birth...anywhere and under any circumstances! That includes the hospital. As a student doula, I have seen some wonderful maternity care in (some) hospitals. It's just not right for ME. Statistics show that for low-risk pregnancies (NOT ALL...but LOW-RISK), homebirth with a skilled midwife is as safe or even safer than hospital birth. Homebirth precludes the use of unnecessary interventions which could lead to medically-induced fetal distress. Plus, midwives are taught to read warning signs well before they become a serious danger to mother and baby, so there is time to transport if need be. And midwives carry things like oxygen and pitocin...just in case. I feel very confident and secure in birthing at home with a midwife.

My midwife is actually the doula who was with me at my very first birth as a student doula. She totally saved the day! She was kind and compassionate through the whole birth, and when there was a complication (and no doctor to be found), she jumped right into midwife mode and delivered a shoulder dystocia like it was just a walk in the park. Even before that, I knew that this sweet woman just had to be my midwife.

Now, before I can go completely through with hiring my midwife and planning my birth, I need to have a risk assessment. (I'll also have to have one at the end of my pregnancy). This is usually done by a doctor or at a health clinic. Mine will be done by a doctor. If I have any health conditions, I will most likely have to birth in a hospital. I've been doing my best to be super healthy, though, but not really because I don't want a hospital birth...it's more for the little grain of rice jumping around in my tummy. Heh.

As far as nutrition, I'm trying to cut back on meat. I am only buying organic dairy products. I've been doing my darndest to avoid white sugar and sodas (though I gave in once to sweet tea). I've been drinking a lot more water and eating more fruits and veggies (way more, actually!). I'm also drinking red raspberry leaf tea, which is a great tonic for the uterus. After all that tea, it'll be toned and ready to pop this baby out in seven or eight months! It is great for pregnancy and helps to prevent a host of possible complications. And, of course, I'm taking prenatal vitamins everyday.

Doing work in the field (for school) is keeping me very, very active. I hiked for hours today! I am wiped out! Still, I want to keep up my yoga. I just hope I can find a good prenatal yoga class once my belly gets really round. I'm also planning to go to some cardio classes at UCA- I emailed an instructor today asking for recommendations regarding the most appropriate classes for pregnant women (please say belly dancing...please say belly dancing...)

Things left on my to do list:
- Give in to my yogurt craving.
- Give in to my pretzel and cheese craving.
- Start taking fish oil (apparently it will help with neurological growth and development!)
- Look into seeing a chiropractor (apparently it reduces average labor time! I am all for that!)
- Rent or buy an AquaDoula. Yep, waterbirth, folks. It's the natural birthers epidural!
- Continue reading Mothering magazine online. :P I read this even before I found out. I just love it!
- Read Dr. Sears' pregnancy book, Birthing from Within, books on waterbirth, anything I can find on orgasmic birth, and Spiritual Midwifery. I'm sure I'll add more. I'll probably have to wait until summer for some of these...school is going to be crazy! Luckily, I've read several great ones already for doula class.

Many more updates to come.

The world is a vampire.

I am utterly heartbroken. Here, blog, you take the brunt of my sadness.

First, I have a wedding shower today. On this day, all of my friends and coworkers from Lyon were going to get to meet my husband. But, unfortunately, circumstances beyond his control prevented him from coming. I'm not mad about it, because he really couldn't help it and it was all in the best interest of his Nanny, but I'm still really sad. I guess most husbands don't go to wedding showers, but I wanted him to meet everyone. Now they never will. They don't even know who they're giving the gifts to. At least, they don't know half of the couple.

Second, I was so excited to find that there were apartments open across the street from my school. Yay! Even a two bedroom, which I didn't think was completely necessary because teeny children don't usually need their own rooms, but whatever. And this apartment is affordable, considering it's in Conway. Well, now it looks like it's not going to happen. AFTER I called and told the lady I'd be there tomorrow to pay for it and everything. So, again, I am homeless. Every alternative I come up with is shot down, and when I finally acquiesce and call about an apartment there, that doesn't go through, either. I NEED A PLAN. This is driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to live alone in my car. I'll mostly live at school or in a tent, anyway. I have friends who'll let me use their backyards, and my mom will catsit. Commuting 1.5 hours to school EVERY DAY is just not an option for me. I'd rather live in my tent in Toad Suck Park or in woods around the city than drive all day every day. Ideas, electively homeless friends?

Very. Upset.

Fitter, happier, more productive, not drinking too much

From deep within my psyche, I'm pretty much screaming at everyone. I would almost call it yelling for help, but not in a pitiful way. So not really yelling "for help." Just yelling. Because I'm not allowed to say anything about it in the present tense. I have a different term for it then. The problem is, part of the rules are that I can't talk about it. I can't do it in front of people, at least, not out loud. I can't even talk about why I can't talk about it. Isn't that insane? I mean, I can sort of talk about it, but there are certain words that are off limits. Now I'm pushing the limits a little, but I think it's good for me to write myself a little note about it. Oh, the more insane part is that I CAN talk about it when I'm not living it. Then, just like a switch, I'm not longer allowed to mention it. It's only a past tense issue, like it's okay and even worthy of pride to be a victor but it's not okay to be going through it. I know that's at least slightly quirky, if not abnormal, but that's how it is.

Slowly but surely, and oddly enough right on schedule, the old me is back. You can time it, almost, predict the return. Over the past few weeks, my habits have crept back up on me, and I have welcomed them like old friends. Old fears are happy boundaries, limits. My brain demands structure. And there's that love-hate relationship again. There are lots of things I won't be able to do anymore, things that just suddenly pop back up even if they'd seemed absurd for months, but there are many things that I'll do better. It's just that sometimes, it makes me feel pretty crazy and trapped. Trapped is the word I always used for it. When I feel trapped is when I start screaming on the inside. Because the me who was living a "chaotic" (not really, just by my standards) life had my own consciousness and personality at the forefront. The me I was my whole life before then had to always bury that, to remain under control, to do everything like I was "told" so life could go on smoothly. I mean, my consciousness is still controlling my body, obviously. It's just much more aware of everything I do and say, buried under layers of, uh, stuff- everything must be carefully thought out, rehearsed. So everything just takes longer.

And now I have hit the limit of what I am allowed to verbalize. Heh.

Good times, noodle salad.

Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness

That was my favorite song for a particular period of my life, and I really couldn't tell you why, but it was a constant mantra in my head.

Concerns that I can't really talk about, nothing terrible, all in my head. But it's destroying me. Drowning forever.

Just for ewe.

My husband is amazing. Follow the link he sent me. I've been singing this song in my head for over a week now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrjwqXwyzNU&NR=1

One night of magic rush
The start - a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

And just for kicks, here's what I want for Christmas.

1. For everyone to get along. This includes friends, family, and people I'm not related to. Bleh.
2. My mother's sanity and stability.
3. My own sanity and relative stability.
4. A new metal water bottle.
5. An athame.
6. A visit to a beautician. My hair is losing it.
7. Gas cards, I drive too much.
8. School suppliez.
9. Miscellaneous.

Everything is Vibrating Continually.

I have a lot to say, but not right now.

I know a girl who lives downtown
Gets her food from the trash and smokes from the ground
She sleeps on the rocks and scumfucks around
But she’s the only real lady that I’ve ever found

My big twin sister is a spazzed magpie
Hated being a girl, so she showed up as a guy.
Made love in the middle of the night, but I cried
Because we’re twinkles on opposite sides of the sky.

Masters of bliss who live in a house
They get arrested for the truth and yelling it out.





Well hell, that's all I got right now.

Also, yes. yes, yes, and yes. I agree, that's right, and this moment is perfect.