Fear

I'm afraid of everything. Just everything. Mostly it's security, and financial in nature, which makes me ashamed. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of not being educated enough. I'm afraid of not doing what I want to do as an occupation. But I want to be out in creeks and meadows twirling and eating fruit and loving and playing and singing. Instead, I am working in air conditioning toward I-don't-know-what and pursuing a graduate degree so I can pay off my debt...by accruing more debt first and being alone. Fuck my life. I have come to the tipping point. I have come to the edge. It is time to jump off or walk back down the hill to the village that is this shitty existence we like to call the American Dream. The American Dream is telling me to get a Ph.D in order to be a big bad scientist so she can say "OH WORLD LOOK HOW SUCCESSFUL I AM I KNOW SO MUCH I AM ALL POWERFUL DEPARTMENT CHAIR."

The jumper just wants to play (and will settle for a Master's degree). It's like birth. Ha, everything to me is birth. Shall I take the epidural and have a forgetful time, or will I go for the ride and find transcendence?

Trouble is, I don't know how to stop being afraid. I just want to work and pay off this shit so I can stop worrying about it. I think I'm just going to say "Fuck everything" and just be at peace with what happens. I am not the money I make. I am not the job I have. I am not the debt I owe. What can be taken from me? My living space? It's too expensive and I'm alone all the time anyway. I'm gonna live in my car (unless you want to room with me). My car? I can bike, and I have a tent. My credit? I don't want any anyway. Why would I buy a house or anything from this ugly system of buy, guilt, throw away, guilt, etc? My education? I already have all that I REALLY need. My freedom. HA. I've sacrificed it long enough to the rat race for what? Nothing. I'm a little older, a little fatter, a lot more depressed, and discontent. I'm learning things that make sense, and the things I am learning are in stark contrast to the path I'm on.

AH GAH I feel like if I just make it to these people I feel cosmically kin to maybe it'll be alright.

Listen to your intuition, mama. Your body knows what to do. Don't be scared. Trust it.
Your body won't stop.

Let go.

Quickening has come and gone. This is pre-labor.

Let go.

It doesn't have to hurt. It's only painful if you fight it.

Let go.

I feel you everywhere.