The end is near.
When did I become a cursing, smoking, shell-of-a-responsible human being.
When I pictured people who were all about love, they were clean (okay, they had some dirt under their feet and smelled a little funny), sedate, transcendent folks. The more I learn about love, the more I see how naive that was.
What's with all the F bombs lately, you ask? And in my Honesty Box, like a coward. Because it startles you out of your comfort zone, and it's fun to say.
STOP BEING COMFORTABLE. Stop it.
I'm making grad school plans. My living situation is going to be awesome. Why? because it's nonexistent.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
and now, dear kitty cat,
i just read your comment on my post a few spaces down.
we are in agreement, then. i could print that out and highlight it and put it on my wall at home and yes. yes. yep. bad and good, take it all.
love you.
we are in agreement, then. i could print that out and highlight it and put it on my wall at home and yes. yes. yep. bad and good, take it all.
love you.
dear taylor,
whoa deja vu RIGHT NOW.
taylor, please know that i have never meant to attack you. if you felt attacked, i hope you will understand that really i wanted you to examine yourself, not attack you. i did have "i'm sorry" in there, but i erased it, because i'm not sorry and i shouldn't be. perhaps the words i said did not convey that point correctly, though, that i just wanted you to hear what i was hearing. maybe you did, but it seemed like you were talking from so far away. i know, i know, you examine yourself a lot, i know. but i wanted you to do it again, and i wanted you to hear what i thought, because i'll be fucking goddamned if i'm going to ever say anything sugarcoated ever again after last week. and i know what you were saying now about that honesty. i didn't understand fully before, but now i think i do. i've not been dishonest, but i have been sugarcoating all my life, because that is how i've survived. now, though, i hope that makes you smile; you were trying to get at that, i think, and i was just blocking it or not wanting to give into it or something. i don't know. i'm a scummy human. but i'm not. because no one is wholly good or wholly bad. we just are.
i love you. you know i am honest when i say that. we're trying, and that counts for something, i think. i don't know if we're trying in similar or different ways, and frankly i don't give a shit. and i don't care to be part of any groups. i love you and your friends, and i love your friends who i now consider to be my friends as well, but in the end we're all the same anyway, so what does it matter if you define it? that's just my perspective, but whaddo i know? not much.
i love you and will see you very soon and i will explode ALL OVER YOU. i promise you that. i wish i could make you feel anticipation tinged with fear by saying that, i'm starting to love fear. explosions. all over you!
that's just how i see it, but let's agree i'm sitting over here and you're sitting over there.
if any of this makes sense it will be miraculous.
taylor, please know that i have never meant to attack you. if you felt attacked, i hope you will understand that really i wanted you to examine yourself, not attack you. i did have "i'm sorry" in there, but i erased it, because i'm not sorry and i shouldn't be. perhaps the words i said did not convey that point correctly, though, that i just wanted you to hear what i was hearing. maybe you did, but it seemed like you were talking from so far away. i know, i know, you examine yourself a lot, i know. but i wanted you to do it again, and i wanted you to hear what i thought, because i'll be fucking goddamned if i'm going to ever say anything sugarcoated ever again after last week. and i know what you were saying now about that honesty. i didn't understand fully before, but now i think i do. i've not been dishonest, but i have been sugarcoating all my life, because that is how i've survived. now, though, i hope that makes you smile; you were trying to get at that, i think, and i was just blocking it or not wanting to give into it or something. i don't know. i'm a scummy human. but i'm not. because no one is wholly good or wholly bad. we just are.
i love you. you know i am honest when i say that. we're trying, and that counts for something, i think. i don't know if we're trying in similar or different ways, and frankly i don't give a shit. and i don't care to be part of any groups. i love you and your friends, and i love your friends who i now consider to be my friends as well, but in the end we're all the same anyway, so what does it matter if you define it? that's just my perspective, but whaddo i know? not much.
i love you and will see you very soon and i will explode ALL OVER YOU. i promise you that. i wish i could make you feel anticipation tinged with fear by saying that, i'm starting to love fear. explosions. all over you!
that's just how i see it, but let's agree i'm sitting over here and you're sitting over there.
if any of this makes sense it will be miraculous.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Something I realized
My blog has been two things: A reflection of myself for me to get a glimpse of my psyche, and a sounding board for my ideas so that other people could read them. And you know what? I don't need it anymore. Maybe I'll post from time to time, but I'd rather be living my life. It's going to be short, you know. You can't eat from the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Name ten things you wanna do before you die and then go do them
1. Be pregnant and give birth to a child. At home, on the porch, in a blow-up tub. It's going to be a pizza party. If you're reading this, you are invited. We gon' have jamming and Oming and good baby havin' vibes. And I will moo like a cow. It will be wild.
2. Deliver a child as a midwife. I'll probably moo then, too. I love the moo.
3. Dumpster dive (which I will do soon! Excitement!).
4. Live in a communal situation in a big house with a big garden. AND GOATS. There must be goats. We will name said goats Crosby, Stills, and Nash. If we have a fourth goat, though, he will be named Neil, not Young.
5. Learn to knit. Knit a bunch of stuff.
6. Quit the 9-5 and live off of things I make. This includes purses, clothing off all sorts, baby slings, doula-in', maybe midwifery, foodies, dancing in the street, blah blah blah.
7. Go to San Francisco with a flower in my hair, by car or hitch or train, but not by plane.
8. Go to a National Rainbow Gathering.
9. Canoe (I haven't in a while).
10. Dance in another country. Random, but meh.
Things that used to be on the list that I don't care about anymore:
1. Get married. It's overrated. I may do it, but I don't think it's necessary for a healthy long term relationship. Wow, I am glad I can say that now. I used to be obsessed with marriage.
2. Get a Master's degree and/or Ph.D. I'll still do it, but it's only important in that it's a way for me to accomplish the ten things listed above.
3. Become a certified yoga instructor. Eh, I'll do it someday. Maybe.
4. Write a song. My friends write songs that are so good I'd rather listen to those.
5. Be a doctor. *hysterical laughter*
Turned on
I've found that moving my body a lot and nourishing it with what it needs results in a natural high that is really fantastic. Recently I've made the commitment to be a lot more active (as I am nearing my 25th birthday aka Metabolism Slow Down day) and eat better. Actually, I'm just going to put in list form the things which I am working toward, and not just in the realm of physical fitness...this is for me, but maybe someone will want to jump on the bandwagon!
1. Do more yoga. Yoga is such a high-inducing activity! I always feel so much better, and people always say "I feel so loose" after even a short yoga session. Gotta love this. Crap, that reminds me, I forgot my Sun Salutation this morning. I'll do it this afternoon.
2. Bike to work. I live about 2 miles from my workplace, which isn't a terribly long ride, though it is mostly uphill on the way to work. :P It is so fun, though, and I see things I haven't noticed in my car. It also promotes a slower and more focused lifestyle; I can't just zip over to Wal-Mart on my lunch hour, and if I start craving evil corporate food from McDonald's or wherever...just can't go get it! Oh yeah! So it gives me a great workout and view while preventing me from making not-so-good choices! It's a win-win! I'm going to work on JUST using my bike in town and never driving the car. It's also funny to see how people react sometimes. I get offered rides constantly, as if riding a bike must mean I'm down-and-out and need a ride or I must be lost and in need of help. Man, cars suck. They even have an effect on the psyche, I've noticed. I'll post more on that later. Aw, man! Riding the bike and doin' yoga...it's freein' my mind!
3. Eat a *mostly* raw vegan diet. A Moire, everyone knows I'm Irish and thus making every form of potato and cabbage dish...ever...but I'm going to shoot for as much raw and as much vegan as possible. I've found a recipe for nut milk that only requires a blender, so I got m'milk. Soy cheese is awesome, though I'm sure I'll indulge in regular cheese sometimes. Obviously, trying to go full veg. It's better anyway. We'll see how this goes.
4. Start a green smoothie binge. Still gotta get the blender. BUT, green smoothies are awesome. You smooth up the fruit, add a handful of spinach (which you can't taste). I will be sharing this with friends. It's going to be fantastic.
5. Watch my words. Which is a great segway into what I found in my inbox this morning. I subscibe to "Daily OM", a really insightful newsletter. Here's what it said this morning:
September 3, 2009
Choose Your Words
Failure
The word failure puts forward a very simplistic way of thinking that allows for only two possibilities: failure or success. Few things in the universe are black and white, yet much of our language reads as if they are. The word failure signifies a paradigm in which all subtlety is lost. When we regard something we have done, or ourselves, as a failure, we lose our ability to see the truth, which is no doubt considerably more complex. In addition, we hurt ourselves. All you have to do is speak or read the word failure and see how it makes you feel. At some point, the word may not have been so loaded with the weight of negativity, and it simply referred to something that did not go according to plan. Unfortunately, in our culture it is often used very negatively, such as when a person is labeled a failure, even though it is impossible for something as vast and subtle as a human being to be reduced in such a way. It also acts as a deterrent, scaring us from taking risks for fear of failure. It has somehow come to represent the worst possible outcome. Failure is a word so burdened with fearful and unconscious energy that we can all benefit from consciously examining our use of it, because the language we use influences the way we think and feel. Next time you feel like a failure or fear failure, know that you are under the influence of an outmoded way of perceiving the world. When the world failure comes up, it’s a call for us to apply a more enlightened consciousness to the matter at hand. When you are consciously aware of the word and its baggage you will not fall victim to its darkness. In your own use of language, you may choose to stop using the word failure altogether. This might encourage you to articulate more clearly the truth of the situation, opening your mind to subtleties and possibilities the word failure would never have allowed.
Our words have a lot of power. We should thus be very careful with them.
1. Do more yoga. Yoga is such a high-inducing activity! I always feel so much better, and people always say "I feel so loose" after even a short yoga session. Gotta love this. Crap, that reminds me, I forgot my Sun Salutation this morning. I'll do it this afternoon.
2. Bike to work. I live about 2 miles from my workplace, which isn't a terribly long ride, though it is mostly uphill on the way to work. :P It is so fun, though, and I see things I haven't noticed in my car. It also promotes a slower and more focused lifestyle; I can't just zip over to Wal-Mart on my lunch hour, and if I start craving evil corporate food from McDonald's or wherever...just can't go get it! Oh yeah! So it gives me a great workout and view while preventing me from making not-so-good choices! It's a win-win! I'm going to work on JUST using my bike in town and never driving the car. It's also funny to see how people react sometimes. I get offered rides constantly, as if riding a bike must mean I'm down-and-out and need a ride or I must be lost and in need of help. Man, cars suck. They even have an effect on the psyche, I've noticed. I'll post more on that later. Aw, man! Riding the bike and doin' yoga...it's freein' my mind!
3. Eat a *mostly* raw vegan diet. A Moire, everyone knows I'm Irish and thus making every form of potato and cabbage dish...ever...but I'm going to shoot for as much raw and as much vegan as possible. I've found a recipe for nut milk that only requires a blender, so I got m'milk. Soy cheese is awesome, though I'm sure I'll indulge in regular cheese sometimes. Obviously, trying to go full veg. It's better anyway. We'll see how this goes.
4. Start a green smoothie binge. Still gotta get the blender. BUT, green smoothies are awesome. You smooth up the fruit, add a handful of spinach (which you can't taste). I will be sharing this with friends. It's going to be fantastic.
5. Watch my words. Which is a great segway into what I found in my inbox this morning. I subscibe to "Daily OM", a really insightful newsletter. Here's what it said this morning:
September 3, 2009
Choose Your Words
Failure
The word failure puts forward a very simplistic way of thinking that allows for only two possibilities: failure or success. Few things in the universe are black and white, yet much of our language reads as if they are. The word failure signifies a paradigm in which all subtlety is lost. When we regard something we have done, or ourselves, as a failure, we lose our ability to see the truth, which is no doubt considerably more complex. In addition, we hurt ourselves. All you have to do is speak or read the word failure and see how it makes you feel. At some point, the word may not have been so loaded with the weight of negativity, and it simply referred to something that did not go according to plan. Unfortunately, in our culture it is often used very negatively, such as when a person is labeled a failure, even though it is impossible for something as vast and subtle as a human being to be reduced in such a way. It also acts as a deterrent, scaring us from taking risks for fear of failure. It has somehow come to represent the worst possible outcome. Failure is a word so burdened with fearful and unconscious energy that we can all benefit from consciously examining our use of it, because the language we use influences the way we think and feel. Next time you feel like a failure or fear failure, know that you are under the influence of an outmoded way of perceiving the world. When the world failure comes up, it’s a call for us to apply a more enlightened consciousness to the matter at hand. When you are consciously aware of the word and its baggage you will not fall victim to its darkness. In your own use of language, you may choose to stop using the word failure altogether. This might encourage you to articulate more clearly the truth of the situation, opening your mind to subtleties and possibilities the word failure would never have allowed.
Our words have a lot of power. We should thus be very careful with them.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
It's All Happening
Blah blah blah shit to do. I have a new boss at work. She's really great, so far as I can tell. I've been procrastinating my last two baby slings. Not cleaning my house. Staying at work til 8 p.m. (some of that is pipe band).
Today I start piano lessons for the first time in nearly three years. I don't really need piano lessons; I can play the piano quite well and I'm actually not a bad teacher. I just need the accountability, so I arranged to do a lesson every other week just so I can work up some new songs and have a reason to practice.
I also start yoga sessions again today. Last year I led yoga every Wednesday. Hopefully people will come; I think it's going to be good. At least my playlist is good. I think. I'll list the asanas we do tomorrow in case anyone in Internetland wants to do it. Or maybe I'll post a video. Except that I don't have a way to post a video.
I hate not looking forward to anything. I'm not really working for anything right now. Last week it was the weekend. I'm not even looking forward to this weekend much; I have to model in Bald Knob then go to Little Rock on Saturday to deal with doula stuff (which, by the way, is getting to be more tedious than fun) and on Sunday I play for a church. My only day off is Monday, and I'm not sure if anyone will want to hang out with me. My family wants a piece of me that day, but I can't afford all that gas. I'm cranky. This is how I'm thinking of my interactions these days: people just want a piece of me. Isn't that terrible? I don't mean a piece of me in a good way, either, like giving your heart to others or whatever. A piece of me that I don't want to give them, time that I don't want to give up for activities that don't fulfill me. I don't really want to drive to Bald Knob EVERY Saturday, but the artist who paints me needs to finish the painting. He's my friend, but I just don't want to go EVERY Saturday. I miss sleeping in on Sundays, but the church I play for doesn't have a pianist (I may quit soon anyway). Some of my friends only come see me when they want something (see past two posts...that friend in particular is at it again). No I am not a cigarette dispenser. I am never making waffles at 4 a.m. for you ever again. Did I mention my roommate doesn't pay rent even though my bills have now doubled due to having two people in my house? Cranky. I may move into my car after all. I'm beginning to see, at least, who my real friends are in the Ark. Dave, to my surprise, is a good friend. I think he's doing a lot better this year. Robert is a good friend, not surprisingly. Other than that...eh.
I know I'm supposed to just push through frustration, but right now I'm not sure how to do that. I don't even know what I'm angry about.
There are several skills I'm working to develop in preparation for dropping out. Foraging. Shit, I suck at foraging, I'll probably die by accidentally eating a pokeberry. Gotta learn it, though. Dumpster diving. I don't need anything at all, having a real job for two years has satiated all my basic needs as far as clothes and blankies are concerned, but I have never scrounged for food and, frankly, I'd like to learn. Not paying for food means I can save money to buy a huge house for a thousand people to live in. I feel like if I can learn that kind of stuff, and also have a hidden garden somewhere in the woods, I'll be on my way to self-sufficiency and dropping out completely. Wouldn't it be cool to be a scientist for the Nature Conservancy who lives in a tent and only comes out of the woods to collect data? Fuck yeah it would. Or living on a farm with goats and we only go into town for entertainment and try to give away some of the joy we live to the poor spiritually impoverished members of society still stuck in the rat race. I'm excited about living just to survive and enjoy others. I kind of hate the situation I'm in now. I have a lot of monetary obligations, so I have to keep working, but I'd really just like a survivalist lifestyle. Once those obligations are met, I'm totally dropping out. I'm going to draw up a list to start working on it this month. Get rid of all my furniture (well, what's left of it). Sleep in the woods more. Go nuts. Be insane. Give me ideas.
Shit, where will I put my cat?
Today I start piano lessons for the first time in nearly three years. I don't really need piano lessons; I can play the piano quite well and I'm actually not a bad teacher. I just need the accountability, so I arranged to do a lesson every other week just so I can work up some new songs and have a reason to practice.
I also start yoga sessions again today. Last year I led yoga every Wednesday. Hopefully people will come; I think it's going to be good. At least my playlist is good. I think. I'll list the asanas we do tomorrow in case anyone in Internetland wants to do it. Or maybe I'll post a video. Except that I don't have a way to post a video.
I hate not looking forward to anything. I'm not really working for anything right now. Last week it was the weekend. I'm not even looking forward to this weekend much; I have to model in Bald Knob then go to Little Rock on Saturday to deal with doula stuff (which, by the way, is getting to be more tedious than fun) and on Sunday I play for a church. My only day off is Monday, and I'm not sure if anyone will want to hang out with me. My family wants a piece of me that day, but I can't afford all that gas. I'm cranky. This is how I'm thinking of my interactions these days: people just want a piece of me. Isn't that terrible? I don't mean a piece of me in a good way, either, like giving your heart to others or whatever. A piece of me that I don't want to give them, time that I don't want to give up for activities that don't fulfill me. I don't really want to drive to Bald Knob EVERY Saturday, but the artist who paints me needs to finish the painting. He's my friend, but I just don't want to go EVERY Saturday. I miss sleeping in on Sundays, but the church I play for doesn't have a pianist (I may quit soon anyway). Some of my friends only come see me when they want something (see past two posts...that friend in particular is at it again). No I am not a cigarette dispenser. I am never making waffles at 4 a.m. for you ever again. Did I mention my roommate doesn't pay rent even though my bills have now doubled due to having two people in my house? Cranky. I may move into my car after all. I'm beginning to see, at least, who my real friends are in the Ark. Dave, to my surprise, is a good friend. I think he's doing a lot better this year. Robert is a good friend, not surprisingly. Other than that...eh.
I know I'm supposed to just push through frustration, but right now I'm not sure how to do that. I don't even know what I'm angry about.
There are several skills I'm working to develop in preparation for dropping out. Foraging. Shit, I suck at foraging, I'll probably die by accidentally eating a pokeberry. Gotta learn it, though. Dumpster diving. I don't need anything at all, having a real job for two years has satiated all my basic needs as far as clothes and blankies are concerned, but I have never scrounged for food and, frankly, I'd like to learn. Not paying for food means I can save money to buy a huge house for a thousand people to live in. I feel like if I can learn that kind of stuff, and also have a hidden garden somewhere in the woods, I'll be on my way to self-sufficiency and dropping out completely. Wouldn't it be cool to be a scientist for the Nature Conservancy who lives in a tent and only comes out of the woods to collect data? Fuck yeah it would. Or living on a farm with goats and we only go into town for entertainment and try to give away some of the joy we live to the poor spiritually impoverished members of society still stuck in the rat race. I'm excited about living just to survive and enjoy others. I kind of hate the situation I'm in now. I have a lot of monetary obligations, so I have to keep working, but I'd really just like a survivalist lifestyle. Once those obligations are met, I'm totally dropping out. I'm going to draw up a list to start working on it this month. Get rid of all my furniture (well, what's left of it). Sleep in the woods more. Go nuts. Be insane. Give me ideas.
Shit, where will I put my cat?
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