dear taylor,

whoa deja vu RIGHT NOW.

taylor, please know that i have never meant to attack you. if you felt attacked, i hope you will understand that really i wanted you to examine yourself, not attack you. i did have "i'm sorry" in there, but i erased it, because i'm not sorry and i shouldn't be. perhaps the words i said did not convey that point correctly, though, that i just wanted you to hear what i was hearing. maybe you did, but it seemed like you were talking from so far away. i know, i know, you examine yourself a lot, i know. but i wanted you to do it again, and i wanted you to hear what i thought, because i'll be fucking goddamned if i'm going to ever say anything sugarcoated ever again after last week. and i know what you were saying now about that honesty. i didn't understand fully before, but now i think i do. i've not been dishonest, but i have been sugarcoating all my life, because that is how i've survived. now, though, i hope that makes you smile; you were trying to get at that, i think, and i was just blocking it or not wanting to give into it or something. i don't know. i'm a scummy human. but i'm not. because no one is wholly good or wholly bad. we just are.

i love you. you know i am honest when i say that. we're trying, and that counts for something, i think. i don't know if we're trying in similar or different ways, and frankly i don't give a shit. and i don't care to be part of any groups. i love you and your friends, and i love your friends who i now consider to be my friends as well, but in the end we're all the same anyway, so what does it matter if you define it? that's just my perspective, but whaddo i know? not much.

i love you and will see you very soon and i will explode ALL OVER YOU. i promise you that. i wish i could make you feel anticipation tinged with fear by saying that, i'm starting to love fear. explosions. all over you!

that's just how i see it, but let's agree i'm sitting over here and you're sitting over there.

if any of this makes sense it will be miraculous.