We've had some technical difficulties

Took a walk, had a baby, got a divorce, finished a Master's degree, got a job, became a doula, moved to Little Rock, planted a garden, raising a boy, trimming bushes, nodding my head to the music.

I'm back, motherfuckers.

i'm changing, that's the point i'm making

Hormones are intense at this point. I had to do field work in the woods (7 months pregnant) for most of the past week, and the muscle fatigue, blisters, and poison ivy on my feet have coupled with the thesis work I have that's due tomorrow (and hardly close to finished) to facilitate the beginnings of a breakdown. I got home last night at midnight. My husband left at noon for work, I'm left with the five year old son. I have things to do that I can't do because I'm writing a blog post for the brief window that he doesn't want my attention. I don't mind nurturing him, but all of it and my pained, stretched ligaments and back makes me want to cry and cry. He came in the bedroom while I was crying and hugged me. I told him mommies sometimes cry more when they have babies in their tummies just because they are happy. I asked what he needed. He said "Nothing, you just need a hug." Sweet boy.

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes and wished for late last summer. I thought I'd close my eyes and be back on Hickory Street for a few days. But that's not the road I've chosen, and that's okay. My hormones are just overwhelming me with messages. I love my family and the life I have, I just have to learn to make it work without going crazy.

So I got up and went to the computer and looked at a few blogs. I read comments on my old posts and looked at pictures and read old notes I'd been given in Texas or sent from Colorado. I looked at pictures and knew that this is continuous, my having a baby and family doesn't end any of my old important friendships regardless of how much it seems to "tie me down". If my thesis proposal isn't finished tomorrow and my advisor yells at me and my house is still dirty and everything is still trying to overwhelm me, it's fine. And everyone will converge soon. It's okay. You were right, I couldn't see it then. Thank Goddess. The CFS fucking rules.

It's hot

I'm 33 weeks. Did I say I was huge in the last post? PFT. I am tons bigger now, and the baby is easy to see when he wiggles around. Only 7 more weeks until I enter the ranks of birthing moms. I'm trying not to get nervous.

Mostly, I'm just busy. Thesis work for the summer, a research assistantship managing data, going out in the field the rest of this week, watching Elijah (my stepson) when Stewart's at work (while also trying to do the thesis and RA work), and working to finish my doula certification by September are all keeping me really busy, not to mention being pregnant makes me busy. That entails childbirth classes, midwife appointments, and me being completely financially irresponsible by seeing a chiropractor (we're on a payment plan, so it's not so bad). Trying to keep the house clean is hard, and I get frustrated a lot even though Stewart helps (with dishes and laundry). I just can't keep up with the two males in the house in terms of keeping the place clean, which places me behind in preparing our room for the birth. I need to finish baby slings I promised other friends before I can even do mine; I haven't started on any of them. The house out in Sheridan needs to be cleaned up. Really, I kind of wish I just had a way to pause time for a little bit.

Also, I wish I could nap more. I've never been so tired in my life.

I've seen several of my people this summer, and that's been a nice break. First Andrea and Aaron (and NALI!) came through on their way back to WV. It's always refreshing to see them because they're living the good life, the life that I was too scared to try. Then, about a month later, Jordan, De'maris, and MJ came through. That was good, too. The house was lively but laid back. Wish they could have stayed longer. I don't expect to see Robert, possibly ever. He has his own "thing" going now, it seems. I expect to see Taylor, just don't know when.

Baby

My first semester of graduate school is over. I have a thesis project (no experiments yet, though) and a 4.0. I am just as busy now as I was in the school year. It sucks. If I am not in my office reading about my thesis work and putting down ideas, I am preparing to go out in the field (and I'm camping in the field tomorrow and the next day...I am planning to FINISH Wednesday).

My stepson's birthday is Wednesday. I won't get home until later, so we're doing our family birthday celebration on Thursday. It's really hard to juggle all this field work with family.

I am huge, and baby River is bigger every day! He kicks and bounces around a lot, so forcefully now that folks can see my belly poke a little when he kicks, and other people can definitely feel it. He's doing a little tap dance right now, actually. He's head down, so I feel it mostly at the top of my tummy and just barely off to the side. We had our last ultrasound at 20 weeks (I am now 24 weeks!) and he looks wonderful. He even yawned for us! It was great. We start homebirth classes in just a few weeks, and I was encouraged by two natural births that I attended last week. It was hard work, but both mamas were victorious and had some cute babies! :D

Mother's Day was wonderful! Elijah made me a necklace at school; it was really sweet, especially because I've only been his stepmom for six months, and actually taking care of him with Stewart for only two. Stewart gave me an AWESOME bag that has Krishna and the Taj Mahal on it (and various other Indian things)- I told him I loved it so much it would be River's diaper bag. I don't know if he liked that, but it just means I am going to be carrying it around a lot! My mother gave me a little photo album and candle, my cousin Rissa gave me a really cute card, and Katherine gave me a handprint/footprint frame set. I can't believe I got presents for Mother's Day! It was so fun!

Well, it's 4 p.m. and I haven't eaten lunch. Guess I should do that. I've been busy trying to figure out field work and crew stuff so we will have enough people to work tomorrow and the next day. We have a midwife appointment next week; I'll update after that.

March/April

Thank goodness, Spring is here! I feel like I can come out of hibernation!

We are settled into our apartment (with the exception of the curtains I am going to make this weekend) and have established some semblance of a routine. I now know why Stewart always seemed to be late for work- having to get yourself and a kid ready really takes a while! It's been a lot better having two of us there to work with Eli. Like I said, I've still got curtains to put up and plants to put out, but other than that, we're pretty settled in.

We've been going a lot (here, there, everywhere), and I hope the summer will mean we get to go a little less. I am purposing to not take on many projects for the summer, though it already seems like I'll be busy with my Research Assistantship, thesis research, homebirth classes, and the end of my doula certification. :\

I hit 18 weeks yesterday in my pregnancy. I am definitely feeling River bounce around in there, and I am seriously showing! We've been really lucky to get lots of help from my family with things like a carseat, stroller, bouncer, etc., and my cousin Clarissa says she's going to throw me a baby shower in July. Yeesh! I was handed a big stack of brand new baby clothes just yesterday by my cousin Katherine. Part of my summer projects will include making things River needs- slings, nursing pads (okay, those are for me), some cloth diapers and wipes (though I think his dad is mostly going disposable; I told him I am sticking with cloth for my diaper changes!), blankets, little hats, etc. We'll be going for another ultrasound here in a couple of weeks just for fun, and I'm excited to see how he's grown in the past few months. I'm also going to be seeing a chiropractor in the next few weeks- the lower back pressure/pain is starting to set in. Everyone tells me it only gets worse. Duh. I know.

I watched Orgasmic Birth with Stewart last weekend, and if you haven't seen it, you need to watch it. Seriously. Even if you're not pregnant. Another big one is The Business of Being Born; that movie made me decide not to go to medical school. Srsly.

I've only got three weeks of school left. I can't believe how this semester has flown, but that's fine with me. This is what I've got left to do this school year:

1. Ichthyology test (next Tuesday).
2. Ichthyology paper and presentation.
3. Grad seminar class experiment (due April 12th, my partner and I lead the class in experiments we'll be setting up this week).
4. Grad seminar final report.
5. Evolution final presentation.

The problem is finding the time to do all that stuff between classes and lab prep. :\ All this will probably have to be done the last week in April. We'll see.

I am freakin' ready for the summer. I think. I hope it's not too busy. I'm starting to hate being busy.

Fallen robin

In graduate school, pretty full on schoolwork that seems to have no end. Writing a lit review (I should really start on it...), paper due in Ichthyology, test tomorrow, presentation in Evolution, lab to write up for Seminar, plus teaching, grading, and prepping. AND research.

Moved in with husband, he helps a lot around the house.

Nearly four months pregnant with a son. He's quit making me nauseated, so we get along much better now. I never knew how amazing a woman's body could be until I started making headway on this person-growing business. My breasts are much bigger, my stomach is poking out, my body demands much more water and nearly as much food, and I have a video of a little alien bobbing around in my stomach sucking his thumb thanks to a badass sonographer. They say he'll come in early September. I give it more of a range- September 1st-20th. Somewhere in there.

Diary of a Mad Pregnant Woman

Okay, you know all that crap I said in my last post about how I love being pregnant? And how I'm eating good foods and am embracing this transition?


When I envisioned my pregnant self, I saw a glowing, angelic Allyn with a nice round belly, no cellulite, prancing through the woods. There was no morning sickness, and my body was working exactly as it should (which, of course, meant I felt no discomfort). I loved being pregnant in this vision! Pregnancy would make me a goddess!

Ohohohohoho. Wow. That is funny. Reaaaaaally funny. The thought of it now makes me chuckle. No, it makes me LOL.

Well, first the good news. While ultrasound-time will not happen for two more months, I did get several test results at my appointment last Tuesday (I get the rest this Thursday). So far, everything is just super. Yay.

The bad news: prego sickness has taken over my life. For well over a week now, I have been constantly nauseated. Like, please-god-just-let-me-puke nauseated. I have to eat pretty much constantly to keep the nausea at bay (and that doesn't really work). I have vomited violently a total of two times, once in a Cracker Barrel bathroom (in which a nurse came to my stall door and made sure I was okay...I had to explain that I was just eight weeks pregnant, and thus was not pregnant enough for my BABY TO QUIT HATING ME, so all was well). As for what I'm eating, the thought of vegetables makes me sick. I walked through Kroger (nauseated, of course) and bought EVERY PRODUCT IN THE WHOLE STORE that didn't make me nauseated. My grocery bill was a mere $40, folks. Don't even get me started on the shrimp in the open freezer. I smelled it all over the store. I want to kill all shrimp everywhere...and make sure they don't end up at Kroger.

I have very frequent indigestion, which I didn't know could happen this early in pregnancy. I hiccup (really, just gas, not diaphragmatic contractions) frequently. I have to pee every two hours (at the most! Usually on the hour.). And I don't normally talk about such topics, but since last week, my intestines could supply enough gas to completely end our reliance on foreign reserves. I'm not even going to go into what's coming out of my intestines nowadays. Trust me: it defies logic.

Oh, and I turned twenty-five years old this week. I got to celebrate by napping and not puking. Hooray.

Somebody tell this kid to knock it off with the progesterone fits or I'm going to withhold the prenatal vitamins and smoke a cigarette (okay, okay, I'm kidding, but I AM tired of being sick).

I'm starting to wonder when I'm supposed to enjoy being pregnant. At least my husband's having fun with all the "I get to be a daddy!" stuff and rubbing my fledgling baby bump. The only enjoyment I get from this nowadays? I have an excuse to nap and be bitchy, and all of my flowy hippie clothes will soon serve a purpose. Ah, maternity wear.

Oh, Baby

Last Friday, I noticed I've been incredibly tired and hungry for the past few weeks. Well, I realized that after I figured out that my stomach was NOT receding from the position it was in- noticably a little rounder. Not big at all, but it was a small convex curve. Three pregnancy tests later, I am embracing the transition of pregnancy- the journey from maiden to mother, the switch from crunchy granola girl to...crunchy granola mama. By the autumnal equinox, I'll be carrying my own kid on the outside!

Being pregnant is awesome! Well, so far...which is only about six weeks (at the most). I contacted my prospective midwife, and I need to have an ultrasound to determine my due date. That will be done before the end of January. That will hopefully be my last ultrasound; we don't plan to find out the baby's gender until he/she gets here.

As most people who know me would guess, I am planning a homebirth. I know I need to give birth in a place where I feel comfortable, safe, and uninhibited...e.g. NOT A HOSPITAL. In fact, I would personally feel UNSAFE giving birth at a hospital. That isn't to say that it is sometimes necessary, and I completely honor anyone who has given birth...anywhere and under any circumstances! That includes the hospital. As a student doula, I have seen some wonderful maternity care in (some) hospitals. It's just not right for ME. Statistics show that for low-risk pregnancies (NOT ALL...but LOW-RISK), homebirth with a skilled midwife is as safe or even safer than hospital birth. Homebirth precludes the use of unnecessary interventions which could lead to medically-induced fetal distress. Plus, midwives are taught to read warning signs well before they become a serious danger to mother and baby, so there is time to transport if need be. And midwives carry things like oxygen and pitocin...just in case. I feel very confident and secure in birthing at home with a midwife.

My midwife is actually the doula who was with me at my very first birth as a student doula. She totally saved the day! She was kind and compassionate through the whole birth, and when there was a complication (and no doctor to be found), she jumped right into midwife mode and delivered a shoulder dystocia like it was just a walk in the park. Even before that, I knew that this sweet woman just had to be my midwife.

Now, before I can go completely through with hiring my midwife and planning my birth, I need to have a risk assessment. (I'll also have to have one at the end of my pregnancy). This is usually done by a doctor or at a health clinic. Mine will be done by a doctor. If I have any health conditions, I will most likely have to birth in a hospital. I've been doing my best to be super healthy, though, but not really because I don't want a hospital birth...it's more for the little grain of rice jumping around in my tummy. Heh.

As far as nutrition, I'm trying to cut back on meat. I am only buying organic dairy products. I've been doing my darndest to avoid white sugar and sodas (though I gave in once to sweet tea). I've been drinking a lot more water and eating more fruits and veggies (way more, actually!). I'm also drinking red raspberry leaf tea, which is a great tonic for the uterus. After all that tea, it'll be toned and ready to pop this baby out in seven or eight months! It is great for pregnancy and helps to prevent a host of possible complications. And, of course, I'm taking prenatal vitamins everyday.

Doing work in the field (for school) is keeping me very, very active. I hiked for hours today! I am wiped out! Still, I want to keep up my yoga. I just hope I can find a good prenatal yoga class once my belly gets really round. I'm also planning to go to some cardio classes at UCA- I emailed an instructor today asking for recommendations regarding the most appropriate classes for pregnant women (please say belly dancing...please say belly dancing...)

Things left on my to do list:
- Give in to my yogurt craving.
- Give in to my pretzel and cheese craving.
- Start taking fish oil (apparently it will help with neurological growth and development!)
- Look into seeing a chiropractor (apparently it reduces average labor time! I am all for that!)
- Rent or buy an AquaDoula. Yep, waterbirth, folks. It's the natural birthers epidural!
- Continue reading Mothering magazine online. :P I read this even before I found out. I just love it!
- Read Dr. Sears' pregnancy book, Birthing from Within, books on waterbirth, anything I can find on orgasmic birth, and Spiritual Midwifery. I'm sure I'll add more. I'll probably have to wait until summer for some of these...school is going to be crazy! Luckily, I've read several great ones already for doula class.

Many more updates to come.

The world is a vampire.

I am utterly heartbroken. Here, blog, you take the brunt of my sadness.

First, I have a wedding shower today. On this day, all of my friends and coworkers from Lyon were going to get to meet my husband. But, unfortunately, circumstances beyond his control prevented him from coming. I'm not mad about it, because he really couldn't help it and it was all in the best interest of his Nanny, but I'm still really sad. I guess most husbands don't go to wedding showers, but I wanted him to meet everyone. Now they never will. They don't even know who they're giving the gifts to. At least, they don't know half of the couple.

Second, I was so excited to find that there were apartments open across the street from my school. Yay! Even a two bedroom, which I didn't think was completely necessary because teeny children don't usually need their own rooms, but whatever. And this apartment is affordable, considering it's in Conway. Well, now it looks like it's not going to happen. AFTER I called and told the lady I'd be there tomorrow to pay for it and everything. So, again, I am homeless. Every alternative I come up with is shot down, and when I finally acquiesce and call about an apartment there, that doesn't go through, either. I NEED A PLAN. This is driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to live alone in my car. I'll mostly live at school or in a tent, anyway. I have friends who'll let me use their backyards, and my mom will catsit. Commuting 1.5 hours to school EVERY DAY is just not an option for me. I'd rather live in my tent in Toad Suck Park or in woods around the city than drive all day every day. Ideas, electively homeless friends?

Very. Upset.

Fitter, happier, more productive, not drinking too much

From deep within my psyche, I'm pretty much screaming at everyone. I would almost call it yelling for help, but not in a pitiful way. So not really yelling "for help." Just yelling. Because I'm not allowed to say anything about it in the present tense. I have a different term for it then. The problem is, part of the rules are that I can't talk about it. I can't do it in front of people, at least, not out loud. I can't even talk about why I can't talk about it. Isn't that insane? I mean, I can sort of talk about it, but there are certain words that are off limits. Now I'm pushing the limits a little, but I think it's good for me to write myself a little note about it. Oh, the more insane part is that I CAN talk about it when I'm not living it. Then, just like a switch, I'm not longer allowed to mention it. It's only a past tense issue, like it's okay and even worthy of pride to be a victor but it's not okay to be going through it. I know that's at least slightly quirky, if not abnormal, but that's how it is.

Slowly but surely, and oddly enough right on schedule, the old me is back. You can time it, almost, predict the return. Over the past few weeks, my habits have crept back up on me, and I have welcomed them like old friends. Old fears are happy boundaries, limits. My brain demands structure. And there's that love-hate relationship again. There are lots of things I won't be able to do anymore, things that just suddenly pop back up even if they'd seemed absurd for months, but there are many things that I'll do better. It's just that sometimes, it makes me feel pretty crazy and trapped. Trapped is the word I always used for it. When I feel trapped is when I start screaming on the inside. Because the me who was living a "chaotic" (not really, just by my standards) life had my own consciousness and personality at the forefront. The me I was my whole life before then had to always bury that, to remain under control, to do everything like I was "told" so life could go on smoothly. I mean, my consciousness is still controlling my body, obviously. It's just much more aware of everything I do and say, buried under layers of, uh, stuff- everything must be carefully thought out, rehearsed. So everything just takes longer.

And now I have hit the limit of what I am allowed to verbalize. Heh.

Good times, noodle salad.

Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness

That was my favorite song for a particular period of my life, and I really couldn't tell you why, but it was a constant mantra in my head.

Concerns that I can't really talk about, nothing terrible, all in my head. But it's destroying me. Drowning forever.

Just for ewe.

My husband is amazing. Follow the link he sent me. I've been singing this song in my head for over a week now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrjwqXwyzNU&NR=1

One night of magic rush
The start - a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

And just for kicks, here's what I want for Christmas.

1. For everyone to get along. This includes friends, family, and people I'm not related to. Bleh.
2. My mother's sanity and stability.
3. My own sanity and relative stability.
4. A new metal water bottle.
5. An athame.
6. A visit to a beautician. My hair is losing it.
7. Gas cards, I drive too much.
8. School suppliez.
9. Miscellaneous.

Everything is Vibrating Continually.

I have a lot to say, but not right now.

I know a girl who lives downtown
Gets her food from the trash and smokes from the ground
She sleeps on the rocks and scumfucks around
But she’s the only real lady that I’ve ever found

My big twin sister is a spazzed magpie
Hated being a girl, so she showed up as a guy.
Made love in the middle of the night, but I cried
Because we’re twinkles on opposite sides of the sky.

Masters of bliss who live in a house
They get arrested for the truth and yelling it out.





Well hell, that's all I got right now.

Also, yes. yes, yes, and yes. I agree, that's right, and this moment is perfect.

Future Folk Singers of America

Several people, especially my closest friends, really encourage me in my music. The problem is, I'm still struggling to even begin to write my own. Which is a shame; by now I thought I'd at least have a coffee shop gig. I'm tentatively planning to commit to practicing guitar and actively writing more over the break. Anyway, I just thought of that because I was posting this song...and I wish I could write songs like this. I've heard it in my head upon meeting someone twice. The first time, when I met my brother, Taylor. The other time was the day me and my husband got together. I really need to learn the chords.

Half Asleep (Dan Messe)

I want to tell you I've watched the waves
That wake the sea
The lightning that wakes up the ground
And my heart has been half asleep inside of me
It wakes up when you come around

I want to tell you I've watched the moon
That trips the tide
The shadows that trip on the tree
And I'm wearing a blindfold, a shoelace untied
I'm steady when you're next to me

I've been half asleep all of my life
Lost in the dark of some perilous night
Is that you or some beautiful light
Finally coming around

And my heart has been half asleep all of my life
It wakes up when you come around
It wakes up when you come around




I'll surprise you.

Everything will change.

Priorities have shifted and clarity has hit me dead in the face in just the last few months. After the first of the year, I'll be living in a new place and doing new things, but things are happening now.

I got married last Friday. Yes, interwebz, I got legally married. We haven't been seeing each other long, but we've known each other for years, and now is all you have so why would you wait? That was what was always wrong with me- I always felt like I needed to wait, there was no urgency or need to live right now and be content to die at a moment's notice with regard to my love life. I had serious issues with that. Last Friday I went to Little Rock for a meeting with a birth client, and during lunch Stewart and I decided to get a marriage license. Then, up walked a Justice of the Peace. We were married by a window in the Pulaski County courthouse. It was the right decision, I promise. Some people have remarked that it was kind of sudden, but meh. We just didn't feel like making a huge crazy fuss over ourselves.

(P.S. I'm not pregnant).

Later that night, I picked up my little 12-week-old tabby boy whose name is Arlo. Arlo Guthrie Fuell, for all you I-give-cats-people-names folks. He is very needy, but he's a kitten, so I'm okay with that. Sweet cat.

All of my paperwork and assistantship stuff for UCA in January is filed and ready to go. I just have to figure out how much of a loan to ask for to cover some summer living expenses (as a backup; if I'm a certified doula by then, then I'll just pay back that loan...with the loan money. Immediately). Graduate school starts January 14th. My resignation letter is on my boss's desk; I won't be here after January 10th or so, but I will be paid until the 30th. Sweeeeet.

I was with a birth client from 11:30 a.m. yesterday until 2:30 a.m. this morning. 22 hours, totally natural labor, seventeen hours of which she did at home and the rest at the hospital (mostly in the tub or sitting up on the bed with a squat bar). It was a fantastic, beautiful, sacred and gentle birth. No tearing, and it is totally true that you completely forget the pain once the baby is here. It was the best birth I've ever attended.

I guess I can't complain. Except legally changing your name is kind of a bitch.

Luck

The past week has been crazy.

My cat is gone. She is no more. She was my little baby, and I miss her terribly. She and I had a very special connection. No more little mews or cuddling at night. :(

I will be looking to adopt a new animal sometime in December. My coworker's dog just had collie/lab mix puppies, and I'd be open to a dog, but the place where I may be living for graduate school isn't very dog-friendly. If that doesn't work out, I'll adopt from the Humane Society again. Anna is irreplacable, but I really love having an animal companion.

My wallet went missing. It may be lost, but it was pretty suspicious. I had promised to babysit my cousin yesterday and today is a bank holiday, so all I've been able to do is cancel my debit and credit cards. I'm confident no one has tried to use them since I cancelled them so soon, but I'd like to be sure. No odd charges are posted on my online banking, but I'm still going to go look tomorrow at the bank. Pretty sure the debit card hasn't been used; I'm not as worried about the credit card, because they'll just take off any false charges. It's just a pain in the ass to have no debit card or driver's license. I was going to get my new license today...but...it's Veteran's Day. Darn it. At least I have a checkbook and a passport.

Good news, though. The car maintenance I needed isn't going to cost nearly as much because my cousin can do it. Yaaay! And I will soon be having my yearly visits for dental and physical stuff, which will be good to get out of the way before graduate school. I registered for classes yesterday, and everything is on track there. I just have to send off my teaching contract.
I have a doula client who will be in labor anyday. All in all, I guess I can't complain. I just miss my cat.

She melts into an iridescent puddle on the floor

Wow, I am way overdue. For a complete emotional breakdown, that is. In fact, if I don't have one for a few weeks, I start to think something is REALLY wrong. It's how I wring myself out. It's like New Year's Day, only way more than once a year. And I'm doing that teetering act now, where I'm standing right on the ledge and feel the fear and exhiliration but don't quite go over yet. But I know I will. And then I'll clean everything in sight for about a day then be alright again.

I haven't had one in nearly a month, and I'm scared to have one now. I don't want to scare people who have gotten close to me. I am irritable and moody. No good.

I am the best at hiding my brokenness when it's at its worst ,though. That is to say, when my friends see me crying in a little ball or completely catatonic, that's a good sign, I'm okay. It's like rain during a storm. Once it gets calm, then you need to worry.

I need a vacation. I'd take three days, even. I'm starting to take doula clients again, and I love it, but that's just one more thing. I'm tired of piano lessons because I don't have time. I haven't wanted to be in pipe band for a few years, but I feel some odd sense of obligation. I'm playing every Sunday for a church an hour away, and the fuel cost is really adding up. In fact, my paycheck is going into my car, since where I'm living now is smack in between the place I'm chained to and where I want to be. I love my students, but working 8-5 everyday is really wearing on me. I can't see my boyfriend without driving two hours, and he can't very well come to me all the time, either. Time time time. I'm always pressed for it. I'm taking tomorrow off. Screw it.
Just to go somewhere and not do anything but sleep and eat and watch movies or something ridiculous like that would be nice. I'm just so tired of driving. Oop, here come the tears. Time to go home and pretend everything's good.

You can't help that. We're all mad here.

Cheshire kitty paces on the tree limb, head bobbing up and down. "What will you do? Do you feel it? It's coming, isn't it?" His voice is low and smooth, with the sound of sinister humor in it.

"What's coming?" asks the girl.

Cheshire stops to flash a grin and wags his whole bottom, whipping his tail in excitement. "Why, the end. The end is coming! The end of all the world! Don't you see it?"

"I don't see anything, and I don't think anything is going to happen. You're just a crazy old cat. What would you know about the end of the world?"

"What is more important" purrs the kitty "is what you're going to do when it comes. Think on it. What will you do?"

"Well, I don't know what I will do, but I do not want to be out here when it happens. If you're so smart, then tell me which way I should go! I'm lost again."

Cheshire kitty becomes still and serious as he whips his huge, polydactyl paw around to explain again "As you well know, in that direction lives a March Hare...And in that direction..." He urges Alice not to visit the Rabbit.

Cheshire kitty's madness seems to be slowly taking him over, barely speaking in sentences now due to his excitement, complete loosening of associations, as his thoughts are enraptured and hypnotized by visions of the Crash, the death of the Hare and the chaos that will ensue. Wonderland will be reduced to nothing; any semblance of order (as if there were much of any) will be gone. The March Hare will be cooked and eaten, torn limb from limb. The Mad Hatter will laugh and giggle as he packs a rucksack and follows the Cheshire Cat into the wilderness while no one is looking. Kitty urges Alice to follow the schizoid Hatter, not the rushed, anxious rabbit. White Rabbit is going to pay, and all the creatures left in Wonderland are going to get a piece. Stop following the Rabbit; to be found with him will get you eaten, too. You will be destroyed.

But to escape with the Hatter means you must learn to be self-sufficient, and you must learn to communicate and function in this world forever, to completely let go of what you have come to know as sanity or reason, to be completely comfortable with the disconcerting and horrifyingly beautiful and to welcome the trial by fire. If you lose your mind, and you are not your body, only spirit you'll be. There is truth and comfort in perverted minds, the demented Sage Cat tells her. If you can just get rid of this attachment to the Hare and stop clinging so desperately to what you knew, what kept you functioning in the World, you will find more peace than you ever had. You must go among the mad people; your life depends on it.

Please pardon the dust.

I'm tidying up around here. Bear with me.

No I'm Not

I am not sorry for anything. Ever. Anything I've written on here, anything I've said to anyone, my craziness, my flaws, my abilities and accomplishments, all of my actions for the last twenty-four years, eight months, twenty nine days, and twenty two hours. Not sorry. I do not apologize, and I don't need anyone's forgiveness.

La. Ti. Da.

In other news, fall is here, and it is beautiful. Crunchy leaves hot cocoa crisp air cold nose whiskey sour it's too absurdly cold to smoke I should quit antiquated old downtown walk. I'm that guy walking down the street jangling the change in his pocket who is feeling quite a bit better than you.