She melts into an iridescent puddle on the floor

Wow, I am way overdue. For a complete emotional breakdown, that is. In fact, if I don't have one for a few weeks, I start to think something is REALLY wrong. It's how I wring myself out. It's like New Year's Day, only way more than once a year. And I'm doing that teetering act now, where I'm standing right on the ledge and feel the fear and exhiliration but don't quite go over yet. But I know I will. And then I'll clean everything in sight for about a day then be alright again.

I haven't had one in nearly a month, and I'm scared to have one now. I don't want to scare people who have gotten close to me. I am irritable and moody. No good.

I am the best at hiding my brokenness when it's at its worst ,though. That is to say, when my friends see me crying in a little ball or completely catatonic, that's a good sign, I'm okay. It's like rain during a storm. Once it gets calm, then you need to worry.

I need a vacation. I'd take three days, even. I'm starting to take doula clients again, and I love it, but that's just one more thing. I'm tired of piano lessons because I don't have time. I haven't wanted to be in pipe band for a few years, but I feel some odd sense of obligation. I'm playing every Sunday for a church an hour away, and the fuel cost is really adding up. In fact, my paycheck is going into my car, since where I'm living now is smack in between the place I'm chained to and where I want to be. I love my students, but working 8-5 everyday is really wearing on me. I can't see my boyfriend without driving two hours, and he can't very well come to me all the time, either. Time time time. I'm always pressed for it. I'm taking tomorrow off. Screw it.
Just to go somewhere and not do anything but sleep and eat and watch movies or something ridiculous like that would be nice. I'm just so tired of driving. Oop, here come the tears. Time to go home and pretend everything's good.