She melts into an iridescent puddle on the floor

Wow, I am way overdue. For a complete emotional breakdown, that is. In fact, if I don't have one for a few weeks, I start to think something is REALLY wrong. It's how I wring myself out. It's like New Year's Day, only way more than once a year. And I'm doing that teetering act now, where I'm standing right on the ledge and feel the fear and exhiliration but don't quite go over yet. But I know I will. And then I'll clean everything in sight for about a day then be alright again.

I haven't had one in nearly a month, and I'm scared to have one now. I don't want to scare people who have gotten close to me. I am irritable and moody. No good.

I am the best at hiding my brokenness when it's at its worst ,though. That is to say, when my friends see me crying in a little ball or completely catatonic, that's a good sign, I'm okay. It's like rain during a storm. Once it gets calm, then you need to worry.

I need a vacation. I'd take three days, even. I'm starting to take doula clients again, and I love it, but that's just one more thing. I'm tired of piano lessons because I don't have time. I haven't wanted to be in pipe band for a few years, but I feel some odd sense of obligation. I'm playing every Sunday for a church an hour away, and the fuel cost is really adding up. In fact, my paycheck is going into my car, since where I'm living now is smack in between the place I'm chained to and where I want to be. I love my students, but working 8-5 everyday is really wearing on me. I can't see my boyfriend without driving two hours, and he can't very well come to me all the time, either. Time time time. I'm always pressed for it. I'm taking tomorrow off. Screw it.
Just to go somewhere and not do anything but sleep and eat and watch movies or something ridiculous like that would be nice. I'm just so tired of driving. Oop, here come the tears. Time to go home and pretend everything's good.

You can't help that. We're all mad here.

Cheshire kitty paces on the tree limb, head bobbing up and down. "What will you do? Do you feel it? It's coming, isn't it?" His voice is low and smooth, with the sound of sinister humor in it.

"What's coming?" asks the girl.

Cheshire stops to flash a grin and wags his whole bottom, whipping his tail in excitement. "Why, the end. The end is coming! The end of all the world! Don't you see it?"

"I don't see anything, and I don't think anything is going to happen. You're just a crazy old cat. What would you know about the end of the world?"

"What is more important" purrs the kitty "is what you're going to do when it comes. Think on it. What will you do?"

"Well, I don't know what I will do, but I do not want to be out here when it happens. If you're so smart, then tell me which way I should go! I'm lost again."

Cheshire kitty becomes still and serious as he whips his huge, polydactyl paw around to explain again "As you well know, in that direction lives a March Hare...And in that direction..." He urges Alice not to visit the Rabbit.

Cheshire kitty's madness seems to be slowly taking him over, barely speaking in sentences now due to his excitement, complete loosening of associations, as his thoughts are enraptured and hypnotized by visions of the Crash, the death of the Hare and the chaos that will ensue. Wonderland will be reduced to nothing; any semblance of order (as if there were much of any) will be gone. The March Hare will be cooked and eaten, torn limb from limb. The Mad Hatter will laugh and giggle as he packs a rucksack and follows the Cheshire Cat into the wilderness while no one is looking. Kitty urges Alice to follow the schizoid Hatter, not the rushed, anxious rabbit. White Rabbit is going to pay, and all the creatures left in Wonderland are going to get a piece. Stop following the Rabbit; to be found with him will get you eaten, too. You will be destroyed.

But to escape with the Hatter means you must learn to be self-sufficient, and you must learn to communicate and function in this world forever, to completely let go of what you have come to know as sanity or reason, to be completely comfortable with the disconcerting and horrifyingly beautiful and to welcome the trial by fire. If you lose your mind, and you are not your body, only spirit you'll be. There is truth and comfort in perverted minds, the demented Sage Cat tells her. If you can just get rid of this attachment to the Hare and stop clinging so desperately to what you knew, what kept you functioning in the World, you will find more peace than you ever had. You must go among the mad people; your life depends on it.

Please pardon the dust.

I'm tidying up around here. Bear with me.

No I'm Not

I am not sorry for anything. Ever. Anything I've written on here, anything I've said to anyone, my craziness, my flaws, my abilities and accomplishments, all of my actions for the last twenty-four years, eight months, twenty nine days, and twenty two hours. Not sorry. I do not apologize, and I don't need anyone's forgiveness.

La. Ti. Da.

In other news, fall is here, and it is beautiful. Crunchy leaves hot cocoa crisp air cold nose whiskey sour it's too absurdly cold to smoke I should quit antiquated old downtown walk. I'm that guy walking down the street jangling the change in his pocket who is feeling quite a bit better than you.

and I saw a new Heaven and a new Earth...

speak to me in a language i can hear

humor me before i have to go

deep in thought i forgive everyone

as the cluttered streets greet me once again


i know i can't be late, supper's waiting on the table

tomorrow's just an excuse away

so i pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own



the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet

at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk

steeple guide me to my heart and home

the sun is out and up and down again



i know i'll make it

love can last forever

graceful swans of never topple to the earth

and you can make it last, forever you

can make it last, forever you



and for a moment i lose myself

wrapped up in the pleasures of the world

i've journeyed here and there and back again

but in the same old haunts i still find my friends

mysteries not ready to reveal

sympathies i'm ready to return



i'll make the effort,

love can last forever

graceful swans of never topple to the earth

tomorrow's just an excuse

tomorrow's just an excuse

and you can make it last, forever you










you can make it last, forever you

Update

In case you missed it:

On Friday I spent part of the night in the ER. Pleurisy. But the lady at Sherwood Urgent Care was retarded and said I might have a pulmonary embolism. Way to scare the crap out of me, wench! It's just pleurisy.

On Monday I came down with the flu. I don't ever get sick or go to the doctor. I was bedridden from Monday afternoon until, basically, Wednesday night. I was still taking it pretty easy last night and still am, mostly because I have the worst case of dizziness of my life. This vertigo is probably the result of a prolonged high fever for which I probably should have sought medical attention. Eh. If I didn't go to the doctor or hospital over the difficulty breathing, I wasn't going over no stinkin' fever. Once my dizziness and headache are gone, though, I should be good as new!

I got on my gmail at home today. It wasn't signed out. I was like "meh, better sign you out..." then I saw an email from a certain official. I was like "Hm, I wanna see what that meanie said! 'Cause I am not happy with HIM! Bein' all mean and STUFF!"

So yes, mayhaps I was in the wrong for reading it. But my intentions were actually very noble. I felt like if I could read it, then I would just be more entrenched with righteous indignation and I would have more to say in defense of my friend. But see, it said stuff that was NOT what I've been hearing. Stuff that would make a lot more sense given the current situation. Stuff that, if it WERE a lie, could be contested, and to not contest it would be, quite frankly, stupid.

And if it's the truth, then I have been lied to. But why would someone lie about that stuff? Just to cover up how irresponsible they are? But why? Don't we all already know they're irresponsible? What the heck? And if the email was a lie, then it can very easily be disproven, because several different professors would not be in on some conspiracy against one person. None of this is making sense. And I don't like it.

Now that I know this I don't even want to go home until my apartment is empty.

my lungs are filled with fluid.

tonight is not exactly the best time for me to be alone. guess that doesn't matter.