i'm changing, that's the point i'm making

Hormones are intense at this point. I had to do field work in the woods (7 months pregnant) for most of the past week, and the muscle fatigue, blisters, and poison ivy on my feet have coupled with the thesis work I have that's due tomorrow (and hardly close to finished) to facilitate the beginnings of a breakdown. I got home last night at midnight. My husband left at noon for work, I'm left with the five year old son. I have things to do that I can't do because I'm writing a blog post for the brief window that he doesn't want my attention. I don't mind nurturing him, but all of it and my pained, stretched ligaments and back makes me want to cry and cry. He came in the bedroom while I was crying and hugged me. I told him mommies sometimes cry more when they have babies in their tummies just because they are happy. I asked what he needed. He said "Nothing, you just need a hug." Sweet boy.

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes and wished for late last summer. I thought I'd close my eyes and be back on Hickory Street for a few days. But that's not the road I've chosen, and that's okay. My hormones are just overwhelming me with messages. I love my family and the life I have, I just have to learn to make it work without going crazy.

So I got up and went to the computer and looked at a few blogs. I read comments on my old posts and looked at pictures and read old notes I'd been given in Texas or sent from Colorado. I looked at pictures and knew that this is continuous, my having a baby and family doesn't end any of my old important friendships regardless of how much it seems to "tie me down". If my thesis proposal isn't finished tomorrow and my advisor yells at me and my house is still dirty and everything is still trying to overwhelm me, it's fine. And everyone will converge soon. It's okay. You were right, I couldn't see it then. Thank Goddess. The CFS fucking rules.

It's hot

I'm 33 weeks. Did I say I was huge in the last post? PFT. I am tons bigger now, and the baby is easy to see when he wiggles around. Only 7 more weeks until I enter the ranks of birthing moms. I'm trying not to get nervous.

Mostly, I'm just busy. Thesis work for the summer, a research assistantship managing data, going out in the field the rest of this week, watching Elijah (my stepson) when Stewart's at work (while also trying to do the thesis and RA work), and working to finish my doula certification by September are all keeping me really busy, not to mention being pregnant makes me busy. That entails childbirth classes, midwife appointments, and me being completely financially irresponsible by seeing a chiropractor (we're on a payment plan, so it's not so bad). Trying to keep the house clean is hard, and I get frustrated a lot even though Stewart helps (with dishes and laundry). I just can't keep up with the two males in the house in terms of keeping the place clean, which places me behind in preparing our room for the birth. I need to finish baby slings I promised other friends before I can even do mine; I haven't started on any of them. The house out in Sheridan needs to be cleaned up. Really, I kind of wish I just had a way to pause time for a little bit.

Also, I wish I could nap more. I've never been so tired in my life.

I've seen several of my people this summer, and that's been a nice break. First Andrea and Aaron (and NALI!) came through on their way back to WV. It's always refreshing to see them because they're living the good life, the life that I was too scared to try. Then, about a month later, Jordan, De'maris, and MJ came through. That was good, too. The house was lively but laid back. Wish they could have stayed longer. I don't expect to see Robert, possibly ever. He has his own "thing" going now, it seems. I expect to see Taylor, just don't know when.